Was No One There?

Written by on October 24, 2014 in from demian yumei blog, Tea & Conversation with 0 Comments
Photographer: Beate Dalbec

Photo by Beate Dalbec

This poem came from a day, October 18th to be exact, when sorting through some of my journals I had glanced through them and the naivete and vulnerability of who I had been just cut through me like a knife. The day triggered me horribly — waves of grief and then depression that threatened to consume me. I wrote…well, at first I just opened my laptop and stared, but at least I opened it! And then I started typing…prose, really bad, whiny prose, until the thoughts and feelings behind the depression had enough of me and sprang into poetry, and the next thing I knew I was writing and sculpting a poem. Everything, everyone wants to be heard. Even the darkest parts of yourself.

 

Was No One There?
by Demian

Glancing at old journals
a trap door springs open
Fallout
all over my reality,
my world
Pieces of past
fluttering like ashes of paper
taunting me
with burnt edges
and the smell of smoke

I see what I was
vulnerable
naive
And it hurts so much

Was there no one?
mother
bound feet,
hobbling on shifting sands,
trapped
father
gloved hands,
leaving no fingerprints,
scott free

Encased in each other
a living tomb

Was there no one
who could have said,
“It’s not supposed to be like this”?

Was there no one
to sit and talk with me
to show the way
by example
instead of letting me write my own manual
on how to grow up?

Was there no one
for that little girl
who escaped into books,
the young woman
who didn’t know
she was stuck to old templates
like flypaper
buzzing futilely,
growing painfully
into the woman
sitting here now
writing poems
like this one?

Was there no one besides
figures inspiring me from history books
or dogs deep listening with empathy
or bamboo groves inviting me to come within
or shadows dancing me across the ground,
suns and moons rising and setting me over wordscapes
and treetops beckoning me to come
up…?

Grateful —
my teachers,
my refuge,
every one

But was there
no
human
being?

Looking through pages,
Looking for names,
Searching for a memory…
Eureka! I find one!

An English teacher,
Mrs Douglas,
loving my writing
loving me
asking nothing
demanding nothing
taking nothing

Just listening…
like I’m someone
worth listening to…
like I’m
someone

She moves to Florida
and poof
she is gone

But I am still here
tonight
sitting
rocking
back and forth
soothing/not soothing pain
expanding years
cascading now like
slow motion water fall
into this moment

Closing my eyes
Sinking into sorrow…
allowing myself to die

surprisingly

there is no drowning
only floating

Somehow
Something catching me
Again
Floating me down
Again
to an unknown destination

And I go where it takes me

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei believes in humanity, loves to write and adores her family. She is the author of "Little Yellow Pear Tomatoes" an award winning children's book on interconnectedness based on the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, and singer/songwriter of the DreamSinger CD, "For the Sake of Love". She is currently working on a book series, "Where There's Smoke" about covert abuse. She's constantly learning and engaged in more creative projects than she can realistically accomplish. Her favorite drink is tea, preferably sweetened with a side of chocolate and her favorite season is snow -- any time of the year. .

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