Keeping the Dream

This is such a loaded topic for me.

I think the whole issue of anger poses a special challenge for women, because quite frankly, we’re not supposed to have anger…not if we’re “nice girls” and “nice women”.

So what do you do when you’re suddenly faced with a huge amount of rage, when being even a little bit pissed isn’t supposed to be nice?

It’s been my observation that for some women, they get hurt…always hurt, but never really allow themselves to feel angry…unless it’s squeezed out sideways, and then “voila”, you have relational aggression.

Or it explodes into one furious sudden explosion not at all appropriate to the situation at hand.

Or maybe it’s resentment…which might be anger stretched out over time like salt water taffy…really sticky and messy but sweeter than in-your-face anger.

So how do you deal with your anger? Because you’re going to find yourself face to face with it many times throughout your healing journey.

I find that I have “specific situation anger handicap”. In other words, social injustice, a wrong committed to another person, those things, I have no problem expressing my anger. I can be a great advocate. I can express my anger and harness it for good.

However, anger in intimate situations, with people I love…like a man…that’s an entirely different situation. That is fraught with stress, fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of reprisal, whatever.

So what about you? How do you deal with your anger? Care to share them?

Demian,
~DreamSinger

Well, I’ve been pretty busy…needed a little time to go through the number of feelings that were invoked by my sister’s birthday and my dear friend’s funeral.

I’ve, also, been very busy homeschooling my little girl. I look at my child and am just amazed at how much she’s growing. Last night as she laid in bed, asleep, I watched over her a whle and whispered to her, “Don’t grow too fast.”

She is, you know.

I try to honor her childhood, to let her be a kid. But it’s hard in this society, in this culture where she’s bombarded by so much that’s antithical to youthful innocense. It’s like as soon as you move on from pre-school stuff, you become an hard ass kid, and then a precocious adult.

It seems to me that children are growing much too fast these days. Part of it is our culture, a large part of it I think. Part of it appears to be accelerated biology. Perhaps, that too, is our culture…our consumption habits and eye for profit above all, that leads us to laden our meat and dairy products with growth hormones, with little care for its affects (as long as it’s not toxic, but what’s the definition for that?) and our society filled with sexual images and messages, with little regard to what constant exposure can elicit in younger children on a physiological and psychological level. Oh well, it’s fun, and we adults like being tintilated.

Don’t grow up too fast. You’ve got the rest of your life to be an adult. Savor this moment. Savor your childhood, and the unique perspectives you can only have from this place. Society doesn’t much value it, except in sentimental Norman Rockwell fantasies.

But the real stuff, that’s you, baby. Be…it’s beautiful, as you are.

I find it so ironic. I had my childhood stripped from me….and today…guess, there’s many ways rob a kid of their childhood.

Today is my sister’s birthday. She would have been forty-six. Happy birthday, my sweet Vernice.

A couple days ago, I received word that a dear friend of mine passed away last Friday. Gary and I used to have the *best* metaphysical discussions.

Today, I dedicate this song to them.

DANCING
Copyright 2004 DreamSinger

dial up
broadband

Dancing, dance with me
Dancing, dance with me

Dancing on the night beach
Dancing with the stars
Dancing with the magic
Anywhere you are
Dancing on the hilltop
Dancing all alone
Dancing with your lover
Among the standing stones

Dancing, dance with me
Dancing, dance with me

Dancing on the water
Dancing in a dream
Dancing to your passion
Everywhere you see
Dancing in the heavens
Dancing what you feel
Dancing to the love
The only thing that’s real

Dancing, dance with me
Dancing, dance with me

Come Home - Dancing
Come Home - Dancing

Dancing for the moment
Dancing for all time
Dancing I will find you
The love I have inside
Dancing in the twilight
Dancing on the air
Dancing to the vision
That calls me everywhere

Dancing in the morning
Dancing in the sun
Dancing in the moonlight
When this life is done
Dancing on the journey
Dancing with your friends
Dancing to the heartbeat
Of love that never ends

Come Home - Dancing
Come Home - Dancing

Dancing on the night beach
Dancing with the stars
Dancing with the magic
Anywhere you are
Dancing on the hilltop
Dancing all alone
Dancing with your lover
Among the Standing Stones

Dancing, dance with me
Dancing, dance with me

Come Home
Come Home
Come Home
Come Home

Last night I was going through my little house cleaning, throwing things out, rearranging and discovering. What started as a simple taking down the Christmas tree, turned into an all day late into the night cleaning session.

It’s interesting what you will find when you go through all the stuff you’ve accumulated. I found a bag filled with music sheets…music sheets that I had back when I was a little girl, including some songs my father and I worked on together. He was my vocal coach…ironic, isn’t it? He’s the main reason for losing my voice, the reason for the self censorship and unbreakable law to never talk about that which is never to be talked about.

Of course, his interest in my singing wasn’t for my own self expression, but the kick he got out of having a “precocious” daughter. There’s the original copy of the music sheet I learned the auria from Madame Butterfly, Un Bel Di Vedremo, at the tender age of 12, and Gerswhin’s Summer Time. My name is printed on the sheets, and there’s my writing, notes, instructions on how to sing what part. The music sheets are marked “Price, 75 cents”.

It’s been a while.

I smile this time though. It’s strange…there’s a tenderness, a kind of sadness when I look at these sheets, hold them in my hand…a kind of poignant loss. But I cherish them too. I don’t mind that tender raw place they open up inside me. This is a part of my past, and it’s not such a bad thing.

Why do people want to leave the past behind? We take it with us anyway, because it’s not really something we carry, but something that’s a part of us.

It’s a matter, I think, of coming to terms with…perhaps making peace with.

Anyway, these sheets are like little treasures. So it hurts a bit…maybe more than just a bit, but so what? I hold these sheets in my hands and I smile just the same.

Now, that’s the treasure.

Demian,
~DreamSinger

And so are our dreams, our aspirations and our desires. So let’s answer them with an authentic conviction.

I spent the past three nights and four days with my youngest daughter and nephew, who was born only two weeks after my little girl. We had a blast. There was indoor gymnastics and Christmas Magic at Rocky Ridge Park. We had streamers and silly string (not such a great idea, but loads of fun), balloons and assorted noise makers. Most of all, we had each other.

I never threw a little party for New Year’s Eve before, but I’m absolutely hooked. I can’t think of a better way to welcome in the new year than with loved ones, and especially young ones who know how to have fun without needing to resort to any kind of intoxication to help them loosen up.

I didn’t do any writing during the time I had them, and actually stayed off the computer during this time, too! It felt right to say good bye to the old year and welcome in the new, not divided among projects or deadlines, but to totally be where I was at.

There’s plenty of time for projects. I’ll be getting to them real soon. This week I’ll have my mixing board set up, so I can start to record new podcasts. AND I bought a new set of guitar strings. Yup, I’m picking the guitar back up after not having played it for years, and never having learned it very well, to begin with.

Doesn’t matter. I decided I’m going to learn this year.

What do you want to do? It doesn’t have to be practical, and it doesn’t matter if it is. All it has to be is something that’s genuine.

Keeping the dream isn’t hard…not when you consider how difficult it is to live through life without keeping one.

Here’s to 2006. I have good feelings about this year.

Many blessings,
Demian,
~DreamSinger