Keeping the Dream

I do not apologize for my age. So, why do I have a photo of myself as a child on this blog and not a more current one?

My art is a very big part of my healing. For most of my life I have been very ambivalent about who I was. Posting this photo of me as a five year old is a step toward that healing, a kind of affirmation of not only who I was but that stage of my life. As imperfect and as painful as it might have been, it’s still my childhood.

When I was in my early 20’s, I wanted to turn my back on who I thought I used to be. I changed my name.

And while the name change was fine, I didn’t understand that you really can’t turn your back on yourself, and feeling ashamed of whatever vulnerabilities you think you have is not empowering at all nor is it a sign of strength.

You can become abusive, yourself, by denying your past or denigrating it or running from it, but that’s kind of crazy, when you think of it, because you can’t detach yourself from your past any more than you can detach a limb without crippling yourself in some way.

It’s a part of you. It doesn’t follow you. It is you. Not the entirety of you and not the definition of you, but it is still you, nonetheless.

I needed to really let that sink in. I smile now when I see the child I was. If I am not apologetic for who I am, I must also not be apologetic for who I was. I can take responsibility for the mistakes I made (and I made many) as I transformed from child into adult and then stood squarely on adult ground, whether I was ready for it or not. But being accountable or remorseful where appropriate is not the same as apologizing for your being.

I don’t think I’ll be taking this photo down anytime soon, but I do want to put up a more recent photo. Not sure how I’m going to incorporate both photos into this blog, but I will make room.

Just like I’m learning to make room with compassion for more than that which is flattering to who I like to think I am or aspire to be.

And perhaps that’s the first step to healing. Just accepting who you are, and loving yourself enough to take all of you on your life’s journey.

There’s a lot of ugly things happening out there…and sometimes not so out there, but right here, right in our own homes, our own families.

But no matter what you see or what may happen to you, don’t fall into despair or cynicism, or worse, apathy. Whatever may happen, it does not define who you are.

I am a daughter of a pedophile and some things just can’t be fixed. But you know, it doesn’t matter. It matters, because bad things shouldn’t happen to people, but it doesn’t matter.

When you light the lamp of who you are, it doesn’t matter if the frame is bent or the glass is cracked or shattered. That light in you shines just as brightly as any other. And that is what matters.

When you let yourself be lifted through compassion, love and grace, when you let yourself fly, when you allow your spirit to soar, what difference does it make if you have a limp when you walk? None!

You might be impacted by what happens to you, and your life may never be the same, but you decide what that will mean.

You decide *how* it will be different. You decide what you will do with your pain or what it will do to you. You decide whether you will get up – in the time that is right for you – or stay down. You decide the direction you will go, even as you’re knocked totally off course.

You decide what this experience will, ultimately, mean to you.

Don’t try to make sense out of it – there is none. Give it meaning.

Decide. No one can take that away from you. This is your power. This is your right. So make the best and most loving decision you can for you and those around you.

I am the daughter of a pedophile and his victim, but I don’t come to you apologetically – or silently or without power. Because I acknowledge not only the crime and the wound, but the light within me that connects me with all humanity - I am not alone.

And I choose - I choose to let that light shine as brightly as I can – even through a bent frame and broken glass.

Wow, two nights off in a row! My little girl is at her cousin’s for the 4th and I met her uncle and cousin last night at the pick up point. I’m really happy for her. She loves her cousin so much, and he’s very special to me, too. They were born just two weeks apart.

I usually only have one night off, and only two or three times a month. That’s when I try to cram everything in - my writing, updating sites, etc, and oh, yeah - rest.

But I’m learning to more evenly space things out and to work more efficiently.

Still, it’s very unusual that I don’t either have my child or have to go to work for two straight nights. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. It’s so strange not to think about how much time I have to do this or that before having to head out the door again.

Anyway, I love my time with my daughter, but I am becoming more and more appreciative of needing to take care of myself. It’s a hard thing to do sometimes when you are a single mom, homeschooling and have people you care about that need your help, plus a ton of writing/music projects you want to get to.

Well, I say I have two nights “off”, but when I say “off” I just mean I have more time than usual to reflect or to work on my projects without interruption. That is a precious gift, but I’m happy to take that in balance with those others days of interruption, that in many ways are momentary blessings. They will pass as my daughter grows older. Right now, my attention and company is the highlight of my daughter’s life.

I will cherish that as long as I can. I know they don’t last.

So tonight, I don’t think I’ll be going to any fireworks. I’ll do what I want, leisurely and joyfully. No doubt, I will write. But I won’t battle crowds, not even to watch the fireworks. I’ll let my thoughts of those I love, my dreams and how richer and deeper my life is becoming light up my sky.

May this 4th of July, no matter what part of the world you’re from, be a day where you can quietly ponder or shout to the sky your declaration of independence from all that hurts or binds you, and may your brightest thoughts and wondrous dreams lighten up your darkest nights.

And it happened elegantly and quickly. And it didn’t cost me an arm and a leg to fix my car either. Part I of this story is found here: If Something’s Gotta Give, Why Not Give Thanks?

My car was nice enough to get me to the convenience store so that my child and I would not be stranded along a country road close to midnight. And the next morning, when my friend, Stace, drove me out to jump start it the car turned on, no problem. I was able to drive it. No need to call the towing company.

Before reaching our destination, the SRS light came back on and I started losing power, just as I did the previous night. The length of the pretty long side street to the station, my car started sputtering and chugging along. I thought it would stop at any minute, but it got me to the parking lot, ran for a couple more seconds and cut off.

Once again, it got me to my destination.

Well, she’s all fixed up now. Two new alternator belts (only had one left and that was shot), new brushes and more securely mounted, my 17 year old Volvo is back on the road.

But I have more than a running car. I have a greater appreciation for the power of gratitude and trust. I was so exhausted when this happened, I just didn’t have the energy to throw a fit or to even worry. It really was so much easier to just sink back into a sense of peace and know everything was going to work out all right.

I like that. It’s a much nicer way of living.

This morning, when I got out of my car, the map holder on the side of the driver’s door broke off.

I smiled. The rest of the car works, and it will be fine.

It’s so nice to be home after a long weekend at work. The first thing I did when I came home this morning was take a good look at my garden. I love to stand there and drink in the colors of my beautiful flowers. There’s something incredibly healing about green, dotted with delicate hues of pink, purple, white and yellow.

I have a postage stamp size flower garden, but it doesn’t take a lot of nature to soothe one’s soul. And of course, while looking at my pretty flowers, I noticed the weeds that had crept up while I was away. I didn’t mind.

Before I unpacked my items from work, I set about pulling up the faster growing weeds to give my flowers room to breathe and grow.

Oh, would that we were that vigilant in uprooting those initial pesky thoughts of doubt and fear. But this morning there was no thought of processing or working things out. Just being in the present moment.

And in that simple state of being, I learned more than for all my studying.

There seems to be a pattern evolving here. Has it really taken me this long, entering into this older phase of my life finally learn the value of not struggling?

It’s important to be aware.

Awareness is a vital and integral part of the healing process. We need to tell ourselves the truth about the things that hurt us, that hurt others.

There’s been a lot of talk, recently, in the media about the idea of not looking at what you don’t want and focusing at what you do want.

But let me tell you, there’s no one who can focus on the good qualities of their parent like the child being abused. And no one who can refuse to look at what they don’t want, like a person who doesn’t want to get involved.

Neither of those techniques have ever rescued a child or helped to heal a broken heart. It takes awareness and a commitment to act that has ever made any difference in anyone’s life.

And so I thank you for coming here, for not looking away, for caring enough to address the violence that hurts your heart or someone you love or the society we live in in general.

But I invite you not to stop there.

The healing journey is a big part of my life. First, out of necessity, it’s become a passion. I write songs, articles, maintain blogs and author books.

Sometimes, I’m asked “Doesn’t this get depressing – the tragedy and the sadness?” And if I looked only at the crime, the wound and the suffering, then, yes, it would be.

But thank goodness, that’s only a part of the total picture. If you look, closely, or as Thich Nhat Hanh says, “deeply”, you will see many wondrous things.

You will see for every rapist who violates a person, there are so many more willing to help that person, to aid in healing, to offer compassion, assistance or to seek justice. And most of them are strangers – total strangers. How marvelous is that?

You will see for every broken heart, every crushed soul, a spirit that rises steadfastly or hesitantly, but rising nonetheless, from the ashes of its own despair with magnificent wings of inspiration

How can I not be inspired? How can I not want to see?

I can be active in the healing journey, because I am continually blessed by the goodness in people and the wondrous miracles of Grace.

Be aware of that, and more, be aware of your own power to make a difference. Let your awareness of what’s wrong, motivate you to do what’s right and good.