Keeping the Dream

I was dealing with some depression yesterday, which spilled over into today, as depression often does. I had accepted a friend’s invitation to watch a movie tonight and was having second thoughts. Just climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head was so appealing.

It had been a rather emotionally intense week for me and I was struggling with wondering if what I was doing on-line or in my music was worth the choice to focus on that and not other things, if I was actually making a difference, if what I was doing meant something.

He said I would like it. He was so sure he taped it for me. Though I wasn’t in much of a social mood, but because of his thoughtfulness I decided to grab a bucket of chicken and go on over.

And I’m glad I did. The movie was “Lady in the Water” and it really touched me. I know there were a number of critics who didn’t like it for a variety of reasons, but then there have been a few movies that got rave reviews that I thought were a total waste of my time.

I love fantasy and fairy tales, but this movie was more to me than that. It told just enough of a storyline without filling in all the blanks. It introduced just enough of the characters to weave the pieces of a story together…a story that was more like a parable to me than a chapter book. I like not having to have everything spoon fed to me. That way I have to actually use more brain cells to interpret meaning and the story becomes more personal and speaks more personally to me.

Some of the criticism I read were totally fixated on the fact that the author/director put himself in the role of the writer who’s work would change the course of humanity. They thought that was arrogant. I thought their inability to get past that weird. I didn’t care why he might have chosen to play that part. So what?

The story, itself, worked for me, and I didn’t see the character of the writer as a reflection of the author as much as a gift to the viewer to consider perhaps they, too, play a very important part of the fabric of humanity, even though they may not be aware of just how. And that’s just what I needed to be reminded of tonight.

I, also, loved the message of the most wounded offering the most healing, the idea that someone outside of ourselves can care enough to reach in, and those who offer help are often, in turn, helped by us.

An unexpected inspiration, I feel a weight lifted, and for now, that’s good enough for me.

Hey, good morning…

Yesterday, I read a post by Ronni Bennett, “On Employment and Retirement Fears“. There were a number of comments, including mine, sharing where we were financially at the later stages of our lives. Most of us who commented that day did not expect to be where we are today, financially.

And I thought about not only the circumstances that led me here, but to the choices I’ve made regarding money over the years.

It’s hard for me to charge for my services. Most of my speaking and singing engagements have been free. I devote huge amounts of time doing things I get no financial compensation for. It would be fine if I were independently wealthy or was supported by someone, but the person I have to rely on that for is me.

In my last comment on Ronni’s post, I wrote:

You know, it’s bad enough when society discriminates against you. It’s worse when you do it to yourself.

Now, I know there will always be places and times I’m moved to share my music without charging a fee, because it will just be the right thing to do. BUT that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be a better business person, because THAT’S the right thing to do, as well.

Because if the volunteer doesn’t take care of herself, she may very well find that in the end, no one else will either.

So many of us older people, and especially women who find themselves divorced at this stage of their lives, find ourselves barely making ends meet. We don’t even want to think about what will happen if our health fails or some major event happens that we can’t cover. We just make it from current paycheck to current paycheck.

I find myself needing to step back and reassess my situation. I love what I do in this virtual world. I love connecting with people and offering help. I love writing articles that may inspire and receiving email. I’d love to get more interaction on this blog, but the occasional email I get from someone who says my writing and music has made a difference to them means the world to me.

But that doesn’t put food on my table or enable me to care for my child or myself in my old age.

So, how do I do this? How do I find balance between service and…well, service to me?

As a woman, I’m so geared to nurturing and being there for others. I don’t want to drop that. I just need to find a way to balance it. Last night I spent several hours, helping two people I love very much get their affairs in order so they could help one another in their living situation and be more financially stable.

As I was driving home in my car, realizing the heater had just stopped working and facing the upcoming winter now with the prospect of no heat in my car, I thought, “What about me?”

And I realize that’s a question I really need to answer.

Well, I hope this day will be a blessing to you…and that as you go about your way making the world a little better place, you will take the time to make your personal world a little cozier and secure for you.

Talk to you later.
Demian