Keeping the Dream

A friend of mine from MySpace made a post in her forum about people telling her that everything will be all right, to not cry but smile and be happy. She found this incredibly annoying.

I know that this used to be one of the most frustrating things for me, especially in the early part of my healing journey.

I know they meant well, but some of the people I was associated with at that time in my spiritual circle were especially uncomfortable about my pain. Because not only did they feel uncomfortable around intense emotions, as most people do - and it’s natural - but they, also believed that each time I spoke of the pain I felt, I was actually affirming it into being…and I suppose, each time they heard it, it intruded upon the beautiful world they wanted to see or envision into being.

But you know, when you’re running as fast as you can away from something, you’re never more mindful of what’s behind you no matter how hard you’re looking ahead to safety. We’re like that, a lot, I think. When I think of people who get frantic over their awareness of something negative or quickly repress negative thoughts, I see terrified gazelles leaping for their lives. Who could possibly be more aware of lions than them?

But those water buffaloes. How often do they stand together to face their enemy? They don’t pretend the predators aren’t out there. And if they keep their resolve, they don’t panic and abandon each other to race off toward a better vision, a safe spot on the Savannah.

They stand together and face the reality, stare the enemy right in the eye. It’s that resolve the lions seek to break, sometimes through sheer number, sometimes just by spooking them. But if faced with a ring of buffalo, who are not afraid to stand their ground and be in that present moment, the lions will back off and eventually leave to find weakness elsewhere.

And weakness is not fear, but giving in to it.

Now, I understand that there are those who say if you focus only on the safety, the beautiful parts of reality where lions don’t exist, then there will be no lions. Okay, but when someone comes to me bleeding with claw marks, who just narrowly escaped the jaws of a lion, I’m not quite there am I? And neither are you.

So when faced with such a reality, whether we like it or not, whether we want it to be real or not, we are given an opportunity to how we will respond with this reality. What will be your answer? Love or indifference, compassion or denial?

One thing I won’t do is take out a stopwatch and time their alloted slot for dealing with the situation. And if I’m standing there bleeding with claw marks, then I don’t pretend just because time will eventually offer some healing, everything is just hunky dory now.

It’s one thing to tell someone everything is going to be all right, but another to say so therefore smile and be happy now.

No, go ahead and cry. Authenticity is a crucial point to the healing process. Grief isn’t going to kill you, but repressing it might. And know that while you are going through the tears that everything will be all right. You won’t feel like this forever. It will get better.

Knowing this helps me to feel the grief now. It helps me to let go to the tears that wash over me.

But everything will be all right, isn’t an invitation to pretend everything is all right.

Cry those tears. And if it’s hard for you to grieve, don’t compound the problem by judging yourself for not crying either. Sometimes the right moment doesn’t come until a good amount of time has passed.

Just accept where you are and what you are. You are doing the best you can. Let the tears flow when it’s right for you. And know that as they flow, they are like the currents of a stream that move you long with them.

Everything will be all right.

Gentle rain — gray skies
my thoughts are like the day
it is not so bad

I was dealing with some depression yesterday, which spilled over into today, as depression often does. I had accepted a friend’s invitation to watch a movie tonight and was having second thoughts. Just climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head was so appealing.

It had been a rather emotionally intense week for me and I was struggling with wondering if what I was doing on-line or in my music was worth the choice to focus on that and not other things, if I was actually making a difference, if what I was doing meant something.

He said I would like it. He was so sure he taped it for me. Though I wasn’t in much of a social mood, but because of his thoughtfulness I decided to grab a bucket of chicken and go on over.

And I’m glad I did. The movie was “Lady in the Water” and it really touched me. I know there were a number of critics who didn’t like it for a variety of reasons, but then there have been a few movies that got rave reviews that I thought were a total waste of my time.

I love fantasy and fairy tales, but this movie was more to me than that. It told just enough of a storyline without filling in all the blanks. It introduced just enough of the characters to weave the pieces of a story together…a story that was more like a parable to me than a chapter book. I like not having to have everything spoon fed to me. That way I have to actually use more brain cells to interpret meaning and the story becomes more personal and speaks more personally to me.

Some of the criticism I read were totally fixated on the fact that the author/director put himself in the role of the writer who’s work would change the course of humanity. They thought that was arrogant. I thought their inability to get past that weird. I didn’t care why he might have chosen to play that part. So what?

The story, itself, worked for me, and I didn’t see the character of the writer as a reflection of the author as much as a gift to the viewer to consider perhaps they, too, play a very important part of the fabric of humanity, even though they may not be aware of just how. And that’s just what I needed to be reminded of tonight.

I, also, loved the message of the most wounded offering the most healing, the idea that someone outside of ourselves can care enough to reach in, and those who offer help are often, in turn, helped by us.

An unexpected inspiration, I feel a weight lifted, and for now, that’s good enough for me.

Hey, good morning…

Yesterday, I read a post by Ronni Bennett, “On Employment and Retirement Fears“. There were a number of comments, including mine, sharing where we were financially at the later stages of our lives. Most of us who commented that day did not expect to be where we are today, financially.

And I thought about not only the circumstances that led me here, but to the choices I’ve made regarding money over the years.

It’s hard for me to charge for my services. Most of my speaking and singing engagements have been free. I devote huge amounts of time doing things I get no financial compensation for. It would be fine if I were independently wealthy or was supported by someone, but the person I have to rely on that for is me.

In my last comment on Ronni’s post, I wrote:

You know, it’s bad enough when society discriminates against you. It’s worse when you do it to yourself.

Now, I know there will always be places and times I’m moved to share my music without charging a fee, because it will just be the right thing to do. BUT that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be a better business person, because THAT’S the right thing to do, as well.

Because if the volunteer doesn’t take care of herself, she may very well find that in the end, no one else will either.

So many of us older people, and especially women who find themselves divorced at this stage of their lives, find ourselves barely making ends meet. We don’t even want to think about what will happen if our health fails or some major event happens that we can’t cover. We just make it from current paycheck to current paycheck.

I find myself needing to step back and reassess my situation. I love what I do in this virtual world. I love connecting with people and offering help. I love writing articles that may inspire and receiving email. I’d love to get more interaction on this blog, but the occasional email I get from someone who says my writing and music has made a difference to them means the world to me.

But that doesn’t put food on my table or enable me to care for my child or myself in my old age.

So, how do I do this? How do I find balance between service and…well, service to me?

As a woman, I’m so geared to nurturing and being there for others. I don’t want to drop that. I just need to find a way to balance it. Last night I spent several hours, helping two people I love very much get their affairs in order so they could help one another in their living situation and be more financially stable.

As I was driving home in my car, realizing the heater had just stopped working and facing the upcoming winter now with the prospect of no heat in my car, I thought, “What about me?”

And I realize that’s a question I really need to answer.

Well, I hope this day will be a blessing to you…and that as you go about your way making the world a little better place, you will take the time to make your personal world a little cozier and secure for you.

Talk to you later.
Demian

I light this candle for the Elders, for warm hearts and healthy bodies and people to truly call family.

(To light your candle click on the icon)

The song says it all.

Today I published a post about “What We Teach” on my relational aggression blog, as it relates to the examples we show by our behavior in dealing with conflict.

What motivated that article was one small brief moment in a game of tag writing, my youngest daughter and I were playing. I wrote:

The other day, my daughter and I tried out a writing game of tag, where I start a story, then she adds to it and then it’s my turn. Yesterday was our third day, so she was adding her part. She took the notebook from me and sat at her desk and as she was beginning to write she said, “Can I have a cup of tea?”

I looked at her and said, “Oh, you want to have a cup of tea while you write?”

And she smiled and said, “Yes.”

You see, that’s how I write. I sit at my desk with my laptop or pen and paper - and cup of tea. Whether I write indoors or am sitting on my porch, there’s always that cup of tea with me. I’m not even conscious of it, nor have I thought of it as one of my writing habits…until yesterday. I just do it.

The thought of how we influence our children by example came to me, but what struck me first was how much my child loved me. The tea doesn’t have anything to do with writing. It has to do with wanting to be like me. It has to do with a child looking at her mother with adoring eyes.

I need to be sure that what she sees is worthy of emulation.

That doesn’t mean to be perfect, for in a world of imperfection and the basic nature of being human, that would be a lie, and why would I want her to emulate that? But believing yourself less than worthy of respect, kindness and love is a lie, too.

I’ve sold myself short all my life…one of the things that have become increasingly clear as I get older. The answer isn’t to ask for a higher price, but to stop selling myself at all. To let me offer my self to the world, to my loved ones with the kind of care and dignity people should be treated with.

That’s the kind of example I want to set for my child. That’s the cup I want her to drink from.

I just discovered this website a few days ago. It’s a website after my own heart! www.idealist.org.

From their vision and mission:

We would like to live in a world where:
All people can lead free and dignified lives.
Every person who wants to help another has the ability to do so.
No opportunities for action or collaboration are missed or wasted.

Our Mission

Action Without Borders connects people, organizations, and resources to help build a world where all people can live free and dignified lives.

AWB is independent of any government, political ideology, or religious creed. Our work is guided by the common desire of our members and supporters to find practical solutions to social and environmental problems, in a spirit of generosity and mutual respect.

I just joined and am finding my way through their site, but I wanted to post about it now. The reason I’m so excited about this is because this is idealism in action. The suggestions they provide, the practical steps to make things happen is really inspirational.

It makes the ideal possible.