Keeping the Dream

Civil disobedience, that’s not our problem. Our problem is that people are obedient all over the world in the face of poverty and starvation and stupidity, and war, and cruelty. Our problem is that people are obedient while the jails are full of petty thieves, and all the while the grand thieves are running the country. That’s our problem.

~ Howard Zinn

It’s hard to outline a path of healing, when each path is so uniquely personal to each individual, however, there are certain principles that do seem to show up on every person’s path. Part of the beauty of our own journey is to find what that means, how it looks for each one of us.

One common principle is the principle of knowledge. So reading articles about relational aggression and listening to the experiences of other people is not only a good intellectual pursuit, but can be profoundly healing in and of itself. To participate in a new forum of mine, go here.

Isolation, censorship, exclusion - all these things are characteristic of relational aggression, so learning about that process can liberate you from one of the wounds of relational aggression, which is the awful feeling of being utterly alone. It, also, helps to heal the shame you’re inclined to feel as a result of being forsaken or rejected, when you realize that being excluded is reflective of the nature of relational aggression and not a result of some inherent quality about you.

Also, because relational aggression is manipulative, by its very nature, sometimes it’s hard to even consciously recognize you’ve been assaulted or to articulate it, even when inside you know you’ve just been attacked. Your eyes may see smiles, but you can see or feel what’s behind them.

This is not the same thing as paranoia. It’s sharpening your skills of discernment and learning to recognize the characteristics, the relational aggression modes of operation. And it’s about fine tuning, or perhaps, taking out and dusting off your more intuitive senses.

Knowledge of the dynamics of relational aggression can be validating of your own experiences, and validation is an integral part of healing.

(Revised post from relational aggression blog)

This is a revised post from my relational aggression blog, that I will be transforming into a podcast blog with audio recordings of the book I’m currently editing on that topic, “Where There’s Smoke”. Dealing with relational aggression has been a major part of my own healing journey. Since I will be talking about this topic quite often, I’d like to offer a definition of it here.

Relational Aggression is a type of bullying. It’s, also, called covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying and is a psychological and emotional form of abuse. Relational aggression is the specific use of relationships to hurt another person, characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.

Left unchecked, it can escalate into physical violence.

Relying on social structure and peers, relational aggression uses relationships as leverage to reach a goal or as weapons to inflict harm. This kind of aggression can occur in a physical setting or a virtual one via the internet and wireless devices. When it does, it’s called “cyber bullying”.

Cyber bullying is an insidious form of abuse, because there’s really no where a target can hide. It doesn’t end at the end of a school or work day. It follows you wherever you take your phone or log on line. Cyber bullying can involve threatening or hurtful text messages or offensive instant messaging in chat rooms. “Mob attacks” can occur through a flurry of insulting emails or messages. Embarrassing or unflattering photos of the target can be taken or “doctored up” and published on-line. Websites dedicated to humiliating and attacking the target can be created.

Cyber bullying has taken relational aggression to a new level of cruelty.

Relational aggression often involves name-calling and put downs. It can include other auditory taunts, such as sighing, bodily noises and animal sounds. Excluding, alienating, rolling of the eyes, sideways glances, giggling, speaking about you in the third person in your presence, “accidental” body slams, betraying your secrets or threatening to, and the “silent treatment” are all common tactics of relational aggression.

Gossip is a major tool of relational aggression. The bully or relational aggressor will seek to hurt a person, by damaging her reputation. Rumors often spread through other people, in such a way, as to preclude the target from defending herself.

Relational aggression is covert, because the aggressor uses people to express negative emotions she feels, but cannot or chooses not to express directly, herself. This enables her to express anger, hostility, hatred or jealousy, and preserve her image as a “nice girl”, all at the same time. Having other people join her, also, “legitimizes” her actions. If others are “doing it too”, then how can she be wrong?

Protecting her image is very important to the relational aggressor. It is the underlying reason for choosing covert aggression over face to face confrontation. To avoid detection of her real motives and feelings, the aggressor will make sure her actions are kept “under the radar” of people whose approval she needs or desires. Manipulation and deception are integral to relational aggression.

Relational aggression is generally thought to be a female phenomenon, sometimes referred to as “female bullying”. It’s often asserted or assumed that males, as a rule, don’t use relational aggression to deal with negative feelings or conflicts, although I no longer accept that.

Regardless of whether it’s a “girl thing” or merely a type of covert aggression that is used by both sexes, albeit in different circumstances, relational aggression is hurtful and can inflict great damage. It’s time to address relational aggression, as well as the stereotypes it entails.

It’s time for healing.

Oh, dear…I know it’s a campaign slogan, but truly…I am looking at this new year with change in mind. And actually, if you’re alive, change is inevitable. I think what most of us mean when we say we want change is that we want to be the ones instigating it and directing its course.

So that’s what I’ve been doing here lately. For the past several days I’ve been cleaning…and I mean cleaning, as in going through old file cabinets, throwing things out, discovering gems and organizing papers and books - mine and my youngest child’s, the one I’m home schooling and have a ton of curriculum lying around my house (my very tiny little house).

Anyway, I’m pleased with how things are shaping up, and I must warn you I’m about to do the same here.

This blog, as all my writings and music, has as its main focus healing. This healing always involves some aspect of finding one’s voice, which is just another way of saying to become more and more authentic, speaking our truth and telling our stories. What I am seeking to do is to become more integrated. To streamline my projects and to be less scattered across cyber space.

I don’t know how many communities I’m a part of…a lot, but I need to withdraw from some of them and choose only a few to focus on.

This is something I tell myself periodically. The difference is that this time, I’m actually going to do it.

I think I’ve discovered a way for people to subscribe to categories, so I can consolidate my topics of interest here…all with the underlying theme of the healing journey…and my readers can subscribe only to the topic they’re interested in. Likewise, you can subscribe to the entire blog if you like.

In the next few days I will be bringing in posts from my relational aggression blog. When I’m done with my book on relational aggression, I’ll use that blog for my podcasts. All articles will be written here.

So…as I’m making this transition, I suspect there will be quite a few posts being made here in a single day.

I know I’ve not posted anything since New Year’s Eve. I needed this time off but I have been busy and will be back.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Peace