Keeping the Dream

I will not be so afraid anymore.

This is one of the things I have learned. That despite all my assertions to wanting to share my writings and music, I am actually afraid to do so. Sabotage in all its forms from procrastination to just plain stupidity provides me that false sense of safety over and over again.

And the closer I get to actually stepping out into the spotlight, as it were, the more desperate my attempts to prevent that.

Not that I actually succeed in that all the time, mind you. I’ve performed and written articles and what not, quite a number of times. But I hold myself back from what I could do and travel to where I could go.

I travel at a snail’s pace, and recently, it’s been brought to my attention that I would even hurt myself than to become who I am meant to be. Crazy isn’t it?

But it’s not all that uncommon. Too many people who have so much to offer hold back.

But I will not be so afraid anymore. I am looking this beast in the eye. I won’t fight it. That’s another act of sabotage. I will look upon this part of my being with compassion.

Then perhaps, it will choose to come along with me as the healthy sense of survival and discernment it’s meant to be.

It’s amazing who you can find to be your teacher. Everyone can teach us something, but sometimes someone so unexpected can change your entire world, how you see yourself, what you thought you always knew.

These are usually not the ones who hold degrees or positions in institutions of great learning, although we can learn a lot from them.

They are usually life’s teachers, the ones life sends your way when you least expect it.

I have met such a teacher. I can be a hard head. One of the hardest things to break through can be our own self image. I am no exception.

We are usually not that grateful to the one who challenges our comfortable notions about ourselves. I wasn’t. But in these early morning hours, after letting my thoughts ponder these new realizations…slowly, at first, but growing in depth over time…I wake up realizing that I have been blessed by the presence of a truly great spirit, someone the world would not acknowledge, but is, nonetheless.

I am still reeling from the loss of Kenny, but in wandering through my grief, my path has brought me to one who has delivered me a big dose of awareness and opportunity for growth, for which I am now truly grateful.