Keeping the Dream

Today I published a post about “What We Teach” on my relational aggression blog, as it relates to the examples we show by our behavior in dealing with conflict.

What motivated that article was one small brief moment in a game of tag writing, my youngest daughter and I were playing. I wrote:

The other day, my daughter and I tried out a writing game of tag, where I start a story, then she adds to it and then it’s my turn. Yesterday was our third day, so she was adding her part. She took the notebook from me and sat at her desk and as she was beginning to write she said, “Can I have a cup of tea?”

I looked at her and said, “Oh, you want to have a cup of tea while you write?”

And she smiled and said, “Yes.”

You see, that’s how I write. I sit at my desk with my laptop or pen and paper - and cup of tea. Whether I write indoors or am sitting on my porch, there’s always that cup of tea with me. I’m not even conscious of it, nor have I thought of it as one of my writing habits…until yesterday. I just do it.

The thought of how we influence our children by example came to me, but what struck me first was how much my child loved me. The tea doesn’t have anything to do with writing. It has to do with wanting to be like me. It has to do with a child looking at her mother with adoring eyes.

I need to be sure that what she sees is worthy of emulation.

That doesn’t mean to be perfect, for in a world of imperfection and the basic nature of being human, that would be a lie, and why would I want her to emulate that? But believing yourself less than worthy of respect, kindness and love is a lie, too.

I’ve sold myself short all my life…one of the things that have become increasingly clear as I get older. The answer isn’t to ask for a higher price, but to stop selling myself at all. To let me offer my self to the world, to my loved ones with the kind of care and dignity people should be treated with.

That’s the kind of example I want to set for my child. That’s the cup I want her to drink from.

September, my youngest child hit the 2 digits, and she was incredibly excited. She was sensitive enough to feel a twinge of sadness to be leaving one stage of her life, but filled mostly with a sense of adventure to enter into the next.

I hope that she will learn from my example that no birthday should be met apologetically or with embarrassment - ever.

Isn’t that weird, to feel bad for being alive yet another year? This insane insistence that time should stand still and we should all live or appear to live forever as twenty year olds?

You know, I was starting to write about how I look better now in my 50’s than I ever did in my 20’s, blah, blah, blah…and it all started to feel very tedious.

So I hit the backspace and just deleted the entire paragraph.

Who the HELL CARES?

I mean why is that so important and what am I trying to prove? Like the third decade of one’s life is the standard by which all things are measured. “I’m still just as good…pretty…smart, as when I was…”

When did that become the standard for humanity?

You know, if I ever have black balloons for my birthday it will be because I am decorating them with full moons and sparkling stars to honor the creative power of the night and the womb from which life springs…in this case, mine.

And some people might be sorry for that, but not me!

While looking at the journey of my life, it’s only right that I should stop and thank my greatest teachers. These are the ones who have had the greatest impact on my life, the ones who have taught me the most about myself and living, the ones who have forced me to look in the darkest places and inspired me to sweep them out and throw open the windows.

Not always so quickly. I am not the best of students, and sometimes I need to fail a class over and over again, before I get it enough to move on…and then I always need a lot of review.

But they are patient teachers and the most forgiving ones I have ever met. It’s within their nature.

I’d like you to meet my children.

My children have certainly been a major factor in leading me out of the tangled swamp of my own childhood…and sometimes with no small amount of pushing. I will be forever grateful to them.

But tell me, is it really fair that children should grow taller than their parents? In just another couple years, my youngest will be taller than me, too…that’s just not right.

I remember how my mom used to complain about having to look up to me now, and I’d lovingly call her “Shorty”. But it’s my turn now.

But you know, I do look up to them…in more ways than one. And when it’s time for me to have to tilt my head back a bit to look into my youngest child’s face, the truth is, I will already have been doing that.

I think most of us don’t know that. If you look at it worldwide, children are often seen as social security benefits. Depending on the customs of the land, that’s the reason why girls are devalued in parts of the world. They grow up to serve their husband’s families, so having a girl child is like investing in something that will have no return. Children are there to serve their parents.

But even in more progressive countries, that claim to value human rights and the individual, children don’t seem to rate. There’s a lot of lip service, but the bottom line is we have so many expectations on our children that have more to do with us than them.

There are a lot of good parents - in every country. And I do believe most parents want what’s best for their child, but too many, even with best intentions, have difficulty seeing their children as separate beings. And then there are those who don’t want what’s best for their child. They aren’t capable of caring for anyone, including their children, more than themselves.

To these parents, children have come to serve them, not so much as social security, but as image security. A lot of children live to reflect back to their parents what their parents need to believe about themselves.

But that’s our jobs as parents. We’re supposed to be the mirrors to our children. We’re supposed to reflect back to them what they’re thinking and feeling, to validate who they are so they can develop a sense of identity, to see them so they know they exist and matter.

They’re not supposed to do that for us. That’s role reversal, and it happens way too often.

I know a father who resents having to take his daughter to school on “his time” with her, and often doesn’t, a mother who calls her high school daughter in the middle of class to cry on her shoulder because of marital strife, a grandparent who insists on having her grandchild, not when she truly wants to have her, but only when its inconvenient for the parents. And if she can’t wrest that child away from the parents at that time, then she won’t see her grandchild, at all.

There are issues that each adult obviously has to deal with. Children should be kept out of it, and if any of these adults would stop one moment and step out of themselves, they could see - the evidence would be self explanatory, that their behavior is harmful and selfish.

It’s frustrating. But it’s even sadder, when relationships become strained and children no longer want to be participate in these unhealthy dynamics. And then the adults wonder why, looking for someone to blame for their fallout.

Children have so much to offer, but as children. Not as the answer to our needs. We are responsible for their welfare, their education, their well-being. Children depend on us to take care of them, not the other way around. We, as adults, need to have our adult needs met by other adults.

Let the children be children. They don’t exist for you. When they become adults, they will be as responsible to you as the principles they live by, but until then, we as adults, need to take care of them, and not expect it to be the other way around.

Judges aren’t psychics. They can’t always tell who is telling the truth and who isn’t. Is the parent in this case a concerned parent or a manipulative and punishing one? How much can you rely on a child’s testimony? I know when I was little, there’s no way I would have ever talked bad about my father. Idealizing him was my main method of survival. I couldn’t even tell myself the truth, never mind anyone else.

But even for those children who suffer from “lesser” abuse than incest have a vested interested in seeing only the good or fear speaking the truth. Repercussions can be severe, and if you think being an adult at the hands of a narcissist, who puts forth such a wonderful face to others and reserves their abusive behavior toward you behind closed doors is bad, it’s even worse for a child.

Because you, as the adult, whether you have the psychological strength or not, can always walk out the door. It’s not even an option for a child.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gown to “appreciate”, if that’s the right word, just how many ways we can abuse a child. I’ve always been aware that even without the incest, there would have been plenty of emotional and psychological damage I would have had to deal with. But now I’m beginning to realize that all child abuse laws cover only a very narrow range of abuse.

I’m not talking about disciplining a child or being strict or laying down boundaries. I’m not referring to different child rearing practices or that a stricter style is more abusive than a progressive style. I’m not so sure of those distinctions anymore, because I have come to see that not having enough boundaries or clear expectations is just as abusive to a child as having so many that any sense of individuality is smothered out of existence.

I started to list a number of ways we can abuse a child…or each other for that matter, because after all, children are people…sadly, a novel concept in the minds of some people, but true nonetheless.

But then I realized that each thing I was listing - verbal, emotional abuse, neglect, the vicarious living through a child… were just all ways to make a person feel invisible.

I want to think some more about this, but perhaps for me, child abuse is anything that renders a child invisible under a blanket of needs, agendas or issues of the people who are suppose to reflect back to, encourage and nurture the growing sense of identity and wholeness in that child…as a general mode of relating. Because none of us are perfect, and I think we’ve all done this from time to time with our children and each other. That’s where the healing power of acknowledgement, accountability and a heartfelt apology followed by goodfaith change does it’s miracle work, and makes it much easier for forgiveness to find a home in the one hurt.

But a habitual pattern, even if the pattern is marked with inconsistency but is guaranteed to emerge at unexpected times depending on which direction the wind blows, is abuse…perhaps the worse of the two.

We can’t look to the law to secure protection from that kind of abuse for our children. It’s up to us to see to it that the children in our charge and in our world are given that kind of nurturance. It’s the duty of every person, not every parent, but every person to do their part to contribute to that end. We don’t, don’t one of us, live in an isolated world.

Everything that affects one, affects all. For the good of the children, always translate into for the good of society. No vision of utopia, no plans for improvement or even the slightest positive change can happen with any significance without keeping the children in mind. In fact, that should be the test question to any proposal.

Is it good for the children?

As a continuation of Part 3, tell that child it’s normal to feel what they’re feeling. Define the specific action and give it a name or name the natural emotional response or impact of such treatment.

Some examples:

“When your Dad/Mom calls you names, that’s hurtful and it’s understandable to feel hurt. I don’t blame you.”

“When Mommy makes fun of you and doesn’t stop when you ask her to, that’s wrong.”

“When Daddy dismissed your feelings, you felt angry. That’s normal, because when someone does that it’s disrespectful, and when someone disrespects you, most people will feel angry.”

“It’s normal to feel confused and resent people when they are nice to you in front of others, but treat you unkindly when you’re alone.”

Be the validator. Be the one who listens attentively and treats the child like a human being. Your child will get it.

Discern whether or not it will be productive to talk to the abusive parent or not about the situation. Be careful here. For normal people, they might want to know how their behavior is affecting their child. They may behave inappropriately at times, but they basically care and want to do what is best for the child.

For others, those with serious issues or personality disorders, telling them they are anything than less than perfect can trigger serious backlashes on your child and on you.

You got to know what you’re dealing with and act accordingly.

So it’s not a childhood made in heaven, but with someone in their life - you - giving voice to what bothers them and speaking truthfully about these hurtful dynamics, they can emerge all that much stronger for it.

They will be able to recognize toxic behavior. They will know they have a right to their feelings, that something’s wrong with their abusive parent and not them. They will be able to compare how they are being treated by their abusive parent and nonabusive parent. They will get it.

Most abusive parents don’t realize that the nonabusive parent doesn’t have to bad talk them at all. The abusive parent will alienate their own children, all by themselves. It’s up to the nonabusive parent to be as supportive to their children through this process as they can.

Unless the abuse rises to the level of intervention, most parents will have to contend with whatever situation they are faced with. Just do it with as much integrity as you can.

It’s not your job to protect the image of the other parent. It’s your job to protect your child. Just do it with integrity.

Friday: Part 5 of the Series
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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Part 1, Part 2

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I agree with the article in the 1st part of this series regarding the controversy around the so-called “Parental Alienation Syndrome”.

I have no doubt there are parents who will use their children as pawns in the war between bickering adults, but there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that abusers (who can be incredibly crafty in their manipulation) have, also, latched onto this “syndrome” to point to the natural negative reactions to abuse by children victims and/or adult victims as “proof” of alienation.

So what do you do, if your child has to have contact with an abusive parent who inflicts no black and blue marks or shows any evidence of sexual abuse?

If you suspect sex abuse, then get to a counselor and medical doctor fast. They’ll have to take it from there.

The most important thing to do as a parent of a child whose other parent is emotionally or psychologically abusive, when it’s not possible or even advisable to totally keep a child away from that parent, is to be the truth teller.

I’m not talking about telling your side of the story. A child doesn’t need to know those details. They do need to know the overall truth about a relationship. It’s cruel to tell a child everything is all right, when you know you’re heading out the door. A child usually knows anyway, but they still look to you for validation. If their world is going to fall apart, don’t let their trust in you be one of the things that gets shattered.

As parents, one of our most important jobs is to help define reality for our children. We acknowledge and give names to our children’s emotional states. We affirm whether something in their outer reality is good or dangerous. They look to us for that. Nowhere else is it more crucial to be honest about our children’s world than when it’s falling apart.

But they don’t need details of who did what to whom. They do need to know when it’s over.

Be committed to the truth. No exceptions. If a kid hits your kid, you’re not going to say, “Oh, you know they really love you.” Why would you do that if the child’s other parent is the one swinging the fist?

If someone manipulates your child or puts that child down, it would be a transgression to your child to dismiss that or your kid’s feelings. The same goes for the Mom or Dad who treats your child in the same way. Don’t sugar coat it.

This is not badmouthing the parent. It’s naming the truth. You’re not saying the parent is a jerk. And the nature of children with their parents being what it is, doing so, even if it’s true, can make the child defensive toward the abusive parent, justifying not only the parent but the behavior. You don’t want that!

Keep your comments focused on the action. Say the treatment was hurtful. Define what it is. The child will draw their own conclusions about the abusive parent. The most important thing is that the child realizes and knows deep within themselves that being treated with anything less than respect is not okay. Period.

That is your gift to them.

Wednesday: Part 4 of the Series
Part 1, Part 2

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“Should a child keep in touch with an abusive parent”.

Like I said in Part 1: It depends.

If we’re talking about blatant abuse like physical or sexual abuse, then no, in my opinion, no child should be forced to keep in touch with their abuser, even if they are related to them. Just because some abusers feel entitled to grow their own victims, doesn’t mean that we, as a society should collude with this sense of entitlement.

People who cross that line of decency into the most despicable usury, of incest and rape, gave up their parental rights, when they gave up their responsibility to act like a parent. They abdicated their parenthood. They can’t turn around and claim those rights now.

But that’s the rub, isn’t it? Because what if the abuse isn’t blatant or known? What if it’s unrealized or unseen by the “outside”, no proof or even hint of abuse?

When the matter is entirely out of one parent’s hands, i.e., the abusive parent has been arrested or incarcerated, then you don’t have to deal with whether a child should or should not visit their officially labeled pedophile parent.

If you have a judicial system that is incredibly stupid in these matters, and it’s been known to happen, then you still might have a battle on your hands, but for the most part, you, as a protecting parent, at least have some verifiable cause for concern.

It’s an entirely different matter when the only person who knows about the abuse is you and the child, and the abuser wants to claim visitation or custody rights for his or her own ulterior motives. Then it becomes a lot trickier, and a whole host of circumstances must be considered, including doing what’s right for the child and being mindful of how your actions will be perceived by others. It’s a game. A most serious one, but one that has rules we need to familiarize ourselves with.

It would be nice if our world was based on truth, wouldn’t it? If all something had to be was true, then that, in itself, would carry weight. It certainly would be fairer. But life isn’t fair, and unfortunately, politics plays a big part in how we operate.

Monday: Part 3 of “For the Good of the Child” Series
Part 1:

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