Keeping the Dream

So how are you? Time has gone by so fast.

January was to be the month I took some time off. I needed some space, in part to the emotional flashbacks I was receiving through Megan’s suicide, in part to the growing stress at work, and just in part that I needed a break.

My time is spent between trying to homeschool my daughter and work. That’s about it…and trying to maintain some kind of internet presence through my blogs. These writings, the ability to step apart in this way and express my thoughts and feelings are very important to me.

But January was far from restful. Issues concerning work intruded upon my first shift off, and then when my second approached, we had a major fire set by one of our clients at the apartment complex where three of our sites are located, one of which is mine.

So, to make a long story short, I returned to work to be with my clients and now my company is finding itself kicked out of the complex.

So we’re in a major transition now. And I feel like that is reflective of where I am personally. On the one hand I could panic. All the variables are unknown at this time. They tell us that all the employees will work for Bell, however, they don’t know where or in what capacity.

I know my requirements are very specific at this time. I need to be able to continue to homeschool my daughter. I need to be in a area that is within the center of all my driving.

But at the same time, I want change in my life. I want to be able to maintain a regular routine with my daughter. She needs it. It’s crucial to her learning, and I haven’t been able to maintain that, because of the very work hours that enable me to homeschool her in the first place! I work nights and the shift varies from week to week, which enables me to have her, but that weekly variation also creates its own problems.

So I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know what to ask for. That’s not true. I don’t know what solution to ask for, but I do know what I want.

Maybe that’s where faith comes in. When you can’t see how it could work…not with what you know, then that is the time to leap beyond what you know and trust that something, someone will catch you…or at least meet you. That it will work out.

I can do that.

It’s hard to outline a path of healing, when each path is so uniquely personal to each individual, however, there are certain principles that do seem to show up on every person’s path. Part of the beauty of our own journey is to find what that means, how it looks for each one of us.

One common principle is the principle of knowledge. So reading articles about relational aggression and listening to the experiences of other people is not only a good intellectual pursuit, but can be profoundly healing in and of itself. To participate in a new forum of mine, go here.

Isolation, censorship, exclusion - all these things are characteristic of relational aggression, so learning about that process can liberate you from one of the wounds of relational aggression, which is the awful feeling of being utterly alone. It, also, helps to heal the shame you’re inclined to feel as a result of being forsaken or rejected, when you realize that being excluded is reflective of the nature of relational aggression and not a result of some inherent quality about you.

Also, because relational aggression is manipulative, by its very nature, sometimes it’s hard to even consciously recognize you’ve been assaulted or to articulate it, even when inside you know you’ve just been attacked. Your eyes may see smiles, but you can see or feel what’s behind them.

This is not the same thing as paranoia. It’s sharpening your skills of discernment and learning to recognize the characteristics, the relational aggression modes of operation. And it’s about fine tuning, or perhaps, taking out and dusting off your more intuitive senses.

Knowledge of the dynamics of relational aggression can be validating of your own experiences, and validation is an integral part of healing.

(Revised post from relational aggression blog)

This is a revised post from my relational aggression blog, that I will be transforming into a podcast blog with audio recordings of the book I’m currently editing on that topic, “Where There’s Smoke”. Dealing with relational aggression has been a major part of my own healing journey. Since I will be talking about this topic quite often, I’d like to offer a definition of it here.

Relational Aggression is a type of bullying. It’s, also, called covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying and is a psychological and emotional form of abuse. Relational aggression is the specific use of relationships to hurt another person, characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.

Left unchecked, it can escalate into physical violence.

Relying on social structure and peers, relational aggression uses relationships as leverage to reach a goal or as weapons to inflict harm. This kind of aggression can occur in a physical setting or a virtual one via the internet and wireless devices. When it does, it’s called “cyber bullying”.

Cyber bullying is an insidious form of abuse, because there’s really no where a target can hide. It doesn’t end at the end of a school or work day. It follows you wherever you take your phone or log on line. Cyber bullying can involve threatening or hurtful text messages or offensive instant messaging in chat rooms. “Mob attacks” can occur through a flurry of insulting emails or messages. Embarrassing or unflattering photos of the target can be taken or “doctored up” and published on-line. Websites dedicated to humiliating and attacking the target can be created.

Cyber bullying has taken relational aggression to a new level of cruelty.

Relational aggression often involves name-calling and put downs. It can include other auditory taunts, such as sighing, bodily noises and animal sounds. Excluding, alienating, rolling of the eyes, sideways glances, giggling, speaking about you in the third person in your presence, “accidental” body slams, betraying your secrets or threatening to, and the “silent treatment” are all common tactics of relational aggression.

Gossip is a major tool of relational aggression. The bully or relational aggressor will seek to hurt a person, by damaging her reputation. Rumors often spread through other people, in such a way, as to preclude the target from defending herself.

Relational aggression is covert, because the aggressor uses people to express negative emotions she feels, but cannot or chooses not to express directly, herself. This enables her to express anger, hostility, hatred or jealousy, and preserve her image as a “nice girl”, all at the same time. Having other people join her, also, “legitimizes” her actions. If others are “doing it too”, then how can she be wrong?

Protecting her image is very important to the relational aggressor. It is the underlying reason for choosing covert aggression over face to face confrontation. To avoid detection of her real motives and feelings, the aggressor will make sure her actions are kept “under the radar” of people whose approval she needs or desires. Manipulation and deception are integral to relational aggression.

Relational aggression is generally thought to be a female phenomenon, sometimes referred to as “female bullying”. It’s often asserted or assumed that males, as a rule, don’t use relational aggression to deal with negative feelings or conflicts, although I no longer accept that.

Regardless of whether it’s a “girl thing” or merely a type of covert aggression that is used by both sexes, albeit in different circumstances, relational aggression is hurtful and can inflict great damage. It’s time to address relational aggression, as well as the stereotypes it entails.

It’s time for healing.

Oh, dear…I know it’s a campaign slogan, but truly…I am looking at this new year with change in mind. And actually, if you’re alive, change is inevitable. I think what most of us mean when we say we want change is that we want to be the ones instigating it and directing its course.

So that’s what I’ve been doing here lately. For the past several days I’ve been cleaning…and I mean cleaning, as in going through old file cabinets, throwing things out, discovering gems and organizing papers and books - mine and my youngest child’s, the one I’m home schooling and have a ton of curriculum lying around my house (my very tiny little house).

Anyway, I’m pleased with how things are shaping up, and I must warn you I’m about to do the same here.

This blog, as all my writings and music, has as its main focus healing. This healing always involves some aspect of finding one’s voice, which is just another way of saying to become more and more authentic, speaking our truth and telling our stories. What I am seeking to do is to become more integrated. To streamline my projects and to be less scattered across cyber space.

I don’t know how many communities I’m a part of…a lot, but I need to withdraw from some of them and choose only a few to focus on.

This is something I tell myself periodically. The difference is that this time, I’m actually going to do it.

I think I’ve discovered a way for people to subscribe to categories, so I can consolidate my topics of interest here…all with the underlying theme of the healing journey…and my readers can subscribe only to the topic they’re interested in. Likewise, you can subscribe to the entire blog if you like.

In the next few days I will be bringing in posts from my relational aggression blog. When I’m done with my book on relational aggression, I’ll use that blog for my podcasts. All articles will be written here.

So…as I’m making this transition, I suspect there will be quite a few posts being made here in a single day.

I know I’ve not posted anything since New Year’s Eve. I needed this time off but I have been busy and will be back.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Peace

May the passing of one year into another be as gentle as the setting of the sun and as inspiring as the new dawn.

(This is a repost, but the sentiments and well wishes are very much in the present moment. Blessings - Demian~DreamSinger)

I have a multi-cultural background, and I cherish the traditions and gifts that my Asian, French and Native American ancestry brings to me. The one thing that has been consistent throughout all my years and through various explorations of different beliefs and faiths, is this image of the newborn babe in the deepest of winter.

The hope this brings to me, the powerful message of life when nothing seems like it could grow speaks to me on my healing journey.

It is with this universal message for those who celebrate this season for religious reasons and for those who don’t, that I would like to offer this song, as a prayer, to you and to the world.

With many blessings,
Demian,
~DreamSinger

Download MP3 File

…it’s because it’s time to step up.

Yesterday, I walked into a fast food restaurant with my youngest. A group of men looked in my direction. As you would have it, my little girl chose to sit close to their table. As I walked toward them, I noticed they were acting like school boys. I shook my head to myself, but as I turned to sit, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, there was a young woman behind me getting her order.

The men were gawking at her.

It was my turn to smile at myself. I smiled at myself to think I thought they were looking at me. I smiled to realize that that time was coming to a close for me. Oh, I’m all right, but even with my “young genes”, my increasingly graying hair is revealing more and more the truth of my age, and I can see that my face carries more and more the years that I’ve lived.

But what made me smile the most was how undisturbed I was. Somehow maturity and embracing what is of value has snuck up on me. There was a kind of wistfulness at realizing that one stage of my life is fading away, but there was, also, a very quiet but sure confidence and sense of peace. Because for once, I didn’t place my worth as a woman on the less than noble desires of strangers who for the fact they own penises, have no redeeming value for me.

And there’s power in that.

I don’t feel invisible. I know at this point in my life I still command respect with my presence and people still find value in what I have to say, and because of that I feel more seen than ever.

I have discovered in this stage of my life a greater confidence that had eluded me in my younger years. For the first time, I am growing in my sense of who I am. I will not let that go so easily.

As time goes by I will turn heads less and less. Let that time come. I will turn around thoughts previously stuck in bigotry. I will touch hearts once trapped behind fear. I will taste freedom that comes from being humbled by the very passing of time that blesses me.

That’s a pretty good trade off.

Time and space isn’t just a scientific concept. It’s a human need that begs to be met throughout our healing journey. Obviously, the triggers from the Megan Meier’s incident took me aback for longer than a day or two.

But I needed this time to recollect my thoughts, and more, to be gentle with my emotions that always seem to travel at a slower speed than my intellectual understanding.

And that’s okay.

What triggered me wasn’t just what I believe to be the stalking behavior of Lori Drew, the absolute refusal to accept responsibility or express remorse, but the ability to act as if nothing happened that they could be accountable for to the Meiers…to act as if they were caring friends and had been all along.

That’s the one dynamic out of all the convoluted ones, that managed to go beyond regular outrage to that dreaded place of flashbacks. It triggered memories, so close was it to the sound and smell and feel of what I had experienced in my childhood…when my father could transgress against me so heinously, betray me, and then relate to me as if nothing had happened…and expected me to “play along”. And I did.

By day I was Daddy’s girl. I adored him, and he treated me like I was special to him, and he was ever the “good” father, especially when others were watching. By night…

And here it was again, as I read how the Drew’s attended Megan’s funeral, invited the Meier’s to their daughter’s birthday party, commiserated and went through all the pretense of caring, concerned neighbors, as friends….all along knowing…

And these are different people from my parents, and there are circumstances that are so different, but the ability to hurt you and then act toward you as if nothing happened…. is what connects them together.

But something did happen. And it’s affected my life forever.

But you know what? At this point of my journey, I get to determine what that affect will be. I steer the course of my life, and even though there may be detours and set backs, my destination is set - I move toward greater empowerment, peace of mind and serenity. I move toward a greater unfolding of strength and vulnerability, a greater embracing of truth and love.

And that’s something.