Keeping the Dream

(This is a repost, but the sentiments and well wishes are very much in the present moment. Blessings - Demian~DreamSinger)

I have a multi-cultural background, and I cherish the traditions and gifts that my Asian, French and Native American ancestry brings to me. The one thing that has been consistent throughout all my years and through various explorations of different beliefs and faiths, is this image of the newborn babe in the deepest of winter.

The hope this brings to me, the powerful message of life when nothing seems like it could grow speaks to me on my healing journey.

It is with this universal message for those who celebrate this season for religious reasons and for those who don’t, that I would like to offer this song, as a prayer, to you and to the world.

With many blessings,
Demian,
~DreamSinger

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…it’s because it’s time to step up.

Yesterday, I walked into a fast food restaurant with my youngest. A group of men looked in my direction. As you would have it, my little girl chose to sit close to their table. As I walked toward them, I noticed they were acting like school boys. I shook my head to myself, but as I turned to sit, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, there was a young woman behind me getting her order.

The men were gawking at her.

It was my turn to smile at myself. I smiled at myself to think I thought they were looking at me. I smiled to realize that that time was coming to a close for me. Oh, I’m all right, but even with my “young genes”, my increasingly graying hair is revealing more and more the truth of my age, and I can see that my face carries more and more the years that I’ve lived.

But what made me smile the most was how undisturbed I was. Somehow maturity and embracing what is of value has snuck up on me. There was a kind of wistfulness at realizing that one stage of my life is fading away, but there was, also, a very quiet but sure confidence and sense of peace. Because for once, I didn’t place my worth as a woman on the less than noble desires of strangers who for the fact they own penises, have no redeeming value for me.

And there’s power in that.

I don’t feel invisible. I know at this point in my life I still command respect with my presence and people still find value in what I have to say, and because of that I feel more seen than ever.

I have discovered in this stage of my life a greater confidence that had eluded me in my younger years. For the first time, I am growing in my sense of who I am. I will not let that go so easily.

As time goes by I will turn heads less and less. Let that time come. I will turn around thoughts previously stuck in bigotry. I will touch hearts once trapped behind fear. I will taste freedom that comes from being humbled by the very passing of time that blesses me.

That’s a pretty good trade off.

Time and space isn’t just a scientific concept. It’s a human need that begs to be met throughout our healing journey. Obviously, the triggers from the Megan Meier’s incident took me aback for longer than a day or two.

But I needed this time to recollect my thoughts, and more, to be gentle with my emotions that always seem to travel at a slower speed than my intellectual understanding.

And that’s okay.

What triggered me wasn’t just what I believe to be the stalking behavior of Lori Drew, the absolute refusal to accept responsibility or express remorse, but the ability to act as if nothing happened that they could be accountable for to the Meiers…to act as if they were caring friends and had been all along.

That’s the one dynamic out of all the convoluted ones, that managed to go beyond regular outrage to that dreaded place of flashbacks. It triggered memories, so close was it to the sound and smell and feel of what I had experienced in my childhood…when my father could transgress against me so heinously, betray me, and then relate to me as if nothing had happened…and expected me to “play along”. And I did.

By day I was Daddy’s girl. I adored him, and he treated me like I was special to him, and he was ever the “good” father, especially when others were watching. By night…

And here it was again, as I read how the Drew’s attended Megan’s funeral, invited the Meier’s to their daughter’s birthday party, commiserated and went through all the pretense of caring, concerned neighbors, as friends….all along knowing…

And these are different people from my parents, and there are circumstances that are so different, but the ability to hurt you and then act toward you as if nothing happened…. is what connects them together.

But something did happen. And it’s affected my life forever.

But you know what? At this point of my journey, I get to determine what that affect will be. I steer the course of my life, and even though there may be detours and set backs, my destination is set - I move toward greater empowerment, peace of mind and serenity. I move toward a greater unfolding of strength and vulnerability, a greater embracing of truth and love.

And that’s something.

By Brother David Steindl-Rast from Gratefulness.org

This whole thing with Megan Meier has been such a triggering experience for me, deeper than what I would have expected. And I didn’t know why for a few days, except only on an emotional level…until I read an article.

I’m not quite ready to write about it yet, but tomorrow when I have time to myself, I think I will be ready to share what I’ve been going through.

In the meantime, take care and be strong and gentle.

Thinking of you fondly.

For those who will gather
in Megan’s honor tomorrow at a candlelight vigil,
May peace embrace and find expression
through every heart

To light your candle in a group just for Megan, click here.

(To light your candle in my Dream Group click on the icon)

Sometimes something happens that just shakes me to the core, and I am reminded of not only the frailty of my humanity but of my convictions…until I remember the strength and power of both.

Today I need to remember.

This is a repost from 2005, but it speaks my heart today. I bring it up out of the archives to share with you, and to gently remind me…

I’m thankful for the love I had inside of me that enabled me to survive an abusive childhood.

I’m thankful for the innocence within each and every person that can never be hurt or destroyed…hidden from view, tucked deep away inside, perhaps, and forgotten, but never defiled, never damaged…no matter what damage may be done. Thankful this place of purity and innocence remains alive, an inexorable part of our being, and for our healing journey to rediscover and reconnect to that source of innocence.

I’m thankful for the moments of peace and beauty I experienced as a kid when nobody was looking…that one very late sunny afternoon in the Fall at the playground, when all the kids had gone home for dinner and I lingered to savor in the moment…how the golden light on the grass made the green more vibrant than anything I’ve ever seen…and in that moment the essence of beauty came forth and claimed me for its own.

I’m thankful for people who ask questions, who seek meaning and when they find none create their own…so beautiful and empowering….flying even with broken wings, lifted up and sustained by the currents of love, of spirit and conviction.

I’m thankful for friends…and enemies, both who support and reveal, who provide me opportunities for insight and growth.

I’m thankful for forgiveness…not only for others but for ourselves…not necessarily having to be given through us if we are not ready, but always accepted by us as we are healing. How wonderful not to be condemned to carry the burden of our pain and anger forever!

I’m thankful for each loving, vulnerable and brave heart, for the people who‚ share their stories, who have inspired me with their strength and vulnerability, and for the people who read who touch the lives of others even by their silence, their caring not being without impact and power.

I’m thankful for family, for my sister who faced her challenge with cancer with dignity and grace, for each moment I got to be with her, for the touch of her soft hands and the healing love of her smile, for my children and the reminder that life is always beginning anew.

Happy Thanksgiving, and may you savor your own reasons to be thankful, opening yourself to receiving more and more as each day unfolds.

I light this candle for a thankful heart
an overflowing heart
and for all the blessings and inspiration to have one

(To light your candle click on the icon)