This is a revised post from my relational aggression blog, that I will be transforming into a podcast blog with audio recordings of the book I’m currently editing on that topic, “Where There’s Smoke”. Dealing with relational aggression has been a major part of my own healing journey. Since I will be talking about this topic quite often, I’d like to offer a definition of it here.
Relational Aggression is a type of bullying. It’s, also, called covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying and is a psychological and emotional form of abuse. Relational aggression is the specific use of relationships to hurt another person, characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.
Left unchecked, it can escalate into physical violence.
Relying on social structure and peers, relational aggression uses relationships as leverage to reach a goal or as weapons to inflict harm. This kind of aggression can occur in a physical setting or a virtual one via the internet and wireless devices. When it does, it’s called “cyber bullying”.
Cyber bullying is an insidious form of abuse, because there’s really no where a target can hide. It doesn’t end at the end of a school or work day. It follows you wherever you take your phone or log on line. Cyber bullying can involve threatening or hurtful text messages or offensive instant messaging in chat rooms. “Mob attacks” can occur through a flurry of insulting emails or messages. Embarrassing or unflattering photos of the target can be taken or “doctored up” and published on-line. Websites dedicated to humiliating and attacking the target can be created.
Cyber bullying has taken relational aggression to a new level of cruelty.
Relational aggression often involves name-calling and put downs. It can include other auditory taunts, such as sighing, bodily noises and animal sounds. Excluding, alienating, rolling of the eyes, sideways glances, giggling, speaking about you in the third person in your presence, “accidental” body slams, betraying your secrets or threatening to, and the “silent treatment” are all common tactics of relational aggression.
Gossip is a major tool of relational aggression. The bully or relational aggressor will seek to hurt a person, by damaging her reputation. Rumors often spread through other people, in such a way, as to preclude the target from defending herself.
Relational aggression is covert, because the aggressor uses people to express negative emotions she feels, but cannot or chooses not to express directly, herself. This enables her to express anger, hostility, hatred or jealousy, and preserve her image as a “nice girl”, all at the same time. Having other people join her, also, “legitimizes” her actions. If others are “doing it too”, then how can she be wrong?
Protecting her image is very important to the relational aggressor. It is the underlying reason for choosing covert aggression over face to face confrontation. To avoid detection of her real motives and feelings, the aggressor will make sure her actions are kept “under the radar” of people whose approval she needs or desires. Manipulation and deception are integral to relational aggression.
Relational aggression is generally thought to be a female phenomenon, sometimes referred to as “female bullying”. It’s often asserted or assumed that males, as a rule, don’t use relational aggression to deal with negative feelings or conflicts, although I no longer accept that.
Regardless of whether it’s a “girl thing” or merely a type of covert aggression that is used by both sexes, albeit in different circumstances, relational aggression is hurtful and can inflict great damage. It’s time to address relational aggression, as well as the stereotypes it entails.
It’s time for healing.
