Keeping the Dream

Not because I want to. Since when do we readily want to do what’s best or good for us? No, I’m one of those stubborn people who insists on pushing myself to the limit.

But life and the body that carries this life is forcing me to reevaluate my foolishness. I’m being asked to set my priorities…a life long challenge to be sure. It’s a common theme that comes up time and time again throughout my writings.

I don’t know…I know I can’t do it all, but I still find myself wanting to do at least a good part of it!

I don’t understand people who are bored, who need to find things to do to take up their time, who will work somewhere or be involved in something just for something to do.

There is just SO much to experience and so much to create…and so many people who do not have the luxury to even comprehend what boredom and listlessness means even as a concept!

But being too busy can be like not having anything to do. They can both divert you from your true purpose.

Oh…so maybe you don’t believe in a true purpose? Well, it’s not like it’s a right or wrong answer that’s prepackaged for you like a school test. I suppose it’s anything that gives you a sense of meaning. There’s got to be more to life than just getting by or consuming everything in sight.

And it really doesn’t matter if there isn’t, as far as I’m concerned. That we, as a humanity, have needed to believe it so makes it important enough to honor.

It’s almost 4:00 in the morning. Just moments ago, my oldest daughter left for the hospital with her husband. She is in labor.

Earlier I was rubbing her back, her shoulders, breathing with her as the contractions came and went, closing my eyes and feeling generations of women before me and the power of this connection that will continue to reach out after me.

I sit here now and savor those moments and think about how much we have become disconnected to this great flow of life with the very technology that is supposed to increase the odds of that life. And how ironic that our technological advances can connect a world and yet disconnect us from our roots and the wisdom of our ancestors.

But in those moments, before the wires and gadgets and sterile rooms, it was as if time stopped, and within that stillness, I felt a sense of primal connection. It was rich and deep and if it had a smell, it would be of dark, fertile soil.

And I wonder, if somehow we have not created a cage of safety for ourselves like birds that have all the food they want to eat and no worries about predators, but no room to fly and no sky to reach.

But now, in these early predawn hours, my thoughts turn to my daughter and the baby who will soon be here. I see an endless horizon of possibilities and wonder. And I see a bond that spans through the generations. I know that the connection is still there and always will be.

We need only accept its eternal invitation to be aware.

[I actually wrote this a few months ago, but wanted more time to pass between this actual event and the publishing of it. This situation affected a number of people and I wanted to honor their space with the distance of time. But it was a very important moment for me and I want to share it.]

I can’t begin to explain this, except that I witnessed something that was hurtful - very, very hurtful. I experienced some of it, myself, but most of it I saw happen to other people.

There were many reasons to keep quiet. One was the fear of reprisal, but I spoke up. It was not easy. I languished over some of it and after I had spoken, I had to go back and add a thing or two I had forgotten. I hated that the most.

But I knew I had to do the right thing. I knew I had the capacity and the skill to speak out, not only for myself, but for others, and that I could articulate and keep focused on the issue that so easily kept wanting to get sidetracked away.

It was abusive. I could not back away.

I was afraid and I was very sure of the rightness of what I was going to do. So I spoke. And I was heard. Other voices, also, were heard, but I know I made a difference.

And this made a difference in me, because for the first time I spoke up against something I saw as extremely abusive, I pointed out the duplicity, I clarified the abuse so that others could see, and I did it from a centered and clean space. I was not out to hurt anybody. I was out to stop the continued hurting of other people and myself.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t just take it or helpless flail against an injustice that continued virtually unheeded by my objections. For the first time, I was not only believed among friends who whispered among ourselves.

I stepped out into the sun and spoke what was in me, my awareness, my knowledge, my perception.

I did it.

Some things were triggered - namely the fear of reprisal for myself and for another. You know, the warning that if you tell you’ll be sorry or someone you love will.

And that threat stays with you forever if you first heard this threat as a child.

But it doesn’t keep you down. Because I felt it, and I told anyway.

Not as a child would, but as an adult would. And the two of us, who I was and who I am, celebrate.

It’s hard to outline a path of healing, when each path is so uniquely personal to each individual, however, there are certain principles that do seem to show up on every person’s path. Part of the beauty of our own journey is to find what that means, how it looks for each one of us.

One common principle is the principle of knowledge. So reading articles about relational aggression and listening to the experiences of other people is not only a good intellectual pursuit, but can be profoundly healing in and of itself. To participate in a new forum of mine, go here.

Isolation, censorship, exclusion - all these things are characteristic of relational aggression, so learning about that process can liberate you from one of the wounds of relational aggression, which is the awful feeling of being utterly alone. It, also, helps to heal the shame you’re inclined to feel as a result of being forsaken or rejected, when you realize that being excluded is reflective of the nature of relational aggression and not a result of some inherent quality about you.

Also, because relational aggression is manipulative, by its very nature, sometimes it’s hard to even consciously recognize you’ve been assaulted or to articulate it, even when inside you know you’ve just been attacked. Your eyes may see smiles, but you can see or feel what’s behind them.

This is not the same thing as paranoia. It’s sharpening your skills of discernment and learning to recognize the characteristics, the relational aggression modes of operation. And it’s about fine tuning, or perhaps, taking out and dusting off your more intuitive senses.

Knowledge of the dynamics of relational aggression can be validating of your own experiences, and validation is an integral part of healing.

(Revised post from relational aggression blog)

This is a revised post from my relational aggression blog, that I will be transforming into a podcast blog with audio recordings of the book I’m currently editing on that topic, “Where There’s Smoke”. Dealing with relational aggression has been a major part of my own healing journey. Since I will be talking about this topic quite often, I’d like to offer a definition of it here.

Relational Aggression is a type of bullying. It’s, also, called covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying and is a psychological and emotional form of abuse. Relational aggression is the specific use of relationships to hurt another person, characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.

Left unchecked, it can escalate into physical violence.

Relying on social structure and peers, relational aggression uses relationships as leverage to reach a goal or as weapons to inflict harm. This kind of aggression can occur in a physical setting or a virtual one via the internet and wireless devices. When it does, it’s called “cyber bullying”.

Cyber bullying is an insidious form of abuse, because there’s really no where a target can hide. It doesn’t end at the end of a school or work day. It follows you wherever you take your phone or log on line. Cyber bullying can involve threatening or hurtful text messages or offensive instant messaging in chat rooms. “Mob attacks” can occur through a flurry of insulting emails or messages. Embarrassing or unflattering photos of the target can be taken or “doctored up” and published on-line. Websites dedicated to humiliating and attacking the target can be created.

Cyber bullying has taken relational aggression to a new level of cruelty.

Relational aggression often involves name-calling and put downs. It can include other auditory taunts, such as sighing, bodily noises and animal sounds. Excluding, alienating, rolling of the eyes, sideways glances, giggling, speaking about you in the third person in your presence, “accidental” body slams, betraying your secrets or threatening to, and the “silent treatment” are all common tactics of relational aggression.

Gossip is a major tool of relational aggression. The bully or relational aggressor will seek to hurt a person, by damaging her reputation. Rumors often spread through other people, in such a way, as to preclude the target from defending herself.

Relational aggression is covert, because the aggressor uses people to express negative emotions she feels, but cannot or chooses not to express directly, herself. This enables her to express anger, hostility, hatred or jealousy, and preserve her image as a “nice girl”, all at the same time. Having other people join her, also, “legitimizes” her actions. If others are “doing it too”, then how can she be wrong?

Protecting her image is very important to the relational aggressor. It is the underlying reason for choosing covert aggression over face to face confrontation. To avoid detection of her real motives and feelings, the aggressor will make sure her actions are kept “under the radar” of people whose approval she needs or desires. Manipulation and deception are integral to relational aggression.

Relational aggression is generally thought to be a female phenomenon, sometimes referred to as “female bullying”. It’s often asserted or assumed that males, as a rule, don’t use relational aggression to deal with negative feelings or conflicts, although I no longer accept that.

Regardless of whether it’s a “girl thing” or merely a type of covert aggression that is used by both sexes, albeit in different circumstances, relational aggression is hurtful and can inflict great damage. It’s time to address relational aggression, as well as the stereotypes it entails.

It’s time for healing.

(This is a repost, but the sentiments and well wishes are very much in the present moment. Blessings - Demian~DreamSinger)

I have a multi-cultural background, and I cherish the traditions and gifts that my Asian, French and Native American ancestry brings to me. The one thing that has been consistent throughout all my years and through various explorations of different beliefs and faiths, is this image of the newborn babe in the deepest of winter.

The hope this brings to me, the powerful message of life when nothing seems like it could grow speaks to me on my healing journey.

It is with this universal message for those who celebrate this season for religious reasons and for those who don’t, that I would like to offer this song, as a prayer, to you and to the world.

With many blessings,
Demian,
~DreamSinger

Download MP3 File

…it’s because it’s time to step up.

Yesterday, I walked into a fast food restaurant with my youngest. A group of men looked in my direction. As you would have it, my little girl chose to sit close to their table. As I walked toward them, I noticed they were acting like school boys. I shook my head to myself, but as I turned to sit, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, there was a young woman behind me getting her order.

The men were gawking at her.

It was my turn to smile at myself. I smiled at myself to think I thought they were looking at me. I smiled to realize that that time was coming to a close for me. Oh, I’m all right, but even with my “young genes”, my increasingly graying hair is revealing more and more the truth of my age, and I can see that my face carries more and more the years that I’ve lived.

But what made me smile the most was how undisturbed I was. Somehow maturity and embracing what is of value has snuck up on me. There was a kind of wistfulness at realizing that one stage of my life is fading away, but there was, also, a very quiet but sure confidence and sense of peace. Because for once, I didn’t place my worth as a woman on the less than noble desires of strangers who for the fact they own penises, have no redeeming value for me.

And there’s power in that.

I don’t feel invisible. I know at this point in my life I still command respect with my presence and people still find value in what I have to say, and because of that I feel more seen than ever.

I have discovered in this stage of my life a greater confidence that had eluded me in my younger years. For the first time, I am growing in my sense of who I am. I will not let that go so easily.

As time goes by I will turn heads less and less. Let that time come. I will turn around thoughts previously stuck in bigotry. I will touch hearts once trapped behind fear. I will taste freedom that comes from being humbled by the very passing of time that blesses me.

That’s a pretty good trade off.

Time and space isn’t just a scientific concept. It’s a human need that begs to be met throughout our healing journey. Obviously, the triggers from the Megan Meier’s incident took me aback for longer than a day or two.

But I needed this time to recollect my thoughts, and more, to be gentle with my emotions that always seem to travel at a slower speed than my intellectual understanding.

And that’s okay.

What triggered me wasn’t just what I believe to be the stalking behavior of Lori Drew, the absolute refusal to accept responsibility or express remorse, but the ability to act as if nothing happened that they could be accountable for to the Meiers…to act as if they were caring friends and had been all along.

That’s the one dynamic out of all the convoluted ones, that managed to go beyond regular outrage to that dreaded place of flashbacks. It triggered memories, so close was it to the sound and smell and feel of what I had experienced in my childhood…when my father could transgress against me so heinously, betray me, and then relate to me as if nothing had happened…and expected me to “play along”. And I did.

By day I was Daddy’s girl. I adored him, and he treated me like I was special to him, and he was ever the “good” father, especially when others were watching. By night…

And here it was again, as I read how the Drew’s attended Megan’s funeral, invited the Meier’s to their daughter’s birthday party, commiserated and went through all the pretense of caring, concerned neighbors, as friends….all along knowing…

And these are different people from my parents, and there are circumstances that are so different, but the ability to hurt you and then act toward you as if nothing happened…. is what connects them together.

But something did happen. And it’s affected my life forever.

But you know what? At this point of my journey, I get to determine what that affect will be. I steer the course of my life, and even though there may be detours and set backs, my destination is set - I move toward greater empowerment, peace of mind and serenity. I move toward a greater unfolding of strength and vulnerability, a greater embracing of truth and love.

And that’s something.