Keeping the Dream

Sometimes something happens that just shakes me to the core, and I am reminded of not only the frailty of my humanity but of my convictions…until I remember the strength and power of both.

Today I need to remember.

This is a repost from 2005, but it speaks my heart today. I bring it up out of the archives to share with you, and to gently remind me…

I’m thankful for the love I had inside of me that enabled me to survive an abusive childhood.

I’m thankful for the innocence within each and every person that can never be hurt or destroyed…hidden from view, tucked deep away inside, perhaps, and forgotten, but never defiled, never damaged…no matter what damage may be done. Thankful this place of purity and innocence remains alive, an inexorable part of our being, and for our healing journey to rediscover and reconnect to that source of innocence.

I’m thankful for the moments of peace and beauty I experienced as a kid when nobody was looking…that one very late sunny afternoon in the Fall at the playground, when all the kids had gone home for dinner and I lingered to savor in the moment…how the golden light on the grass made the green more vibrant than anything I’ve ever seen…and in that moment the essence of beauty came forth and claimed me for its own.

I’m thankful for people who ask questions, who seek meaning and when they find none create their own…so beautiful and empowering….flying even with broken wings, lifted up and sustained by the currents of love, of spirit and conviction.

I’m thankful for friends…and enemies, both who support and reveal, who provide me opportunities for insight and growth.

I’m thankful for forgiveness…not only for others but for ourselves…not necessarily having to be given through us if we are not ready, but always accepted by us as we are healing. How wonderful not to be condemned to carry the burden of our pain and anger forever!

I’m thankful for each loving, vulnerable and brave heart, for the people who‚ share their stories, who have inspired me with their strength and vulnerability, and for the people who read who touch the lives of others even by their silence, their caring not being without impact and power.

I’m thankful for family, for my sister who faced her challenge with cancer with dignity and grace, for each moment I got to be with her, for the touch of her soft hands and the healing love of her smile, for my children and the reminder that life is always beginning anew.

Happy Thanksgiving, and may you savor your own reasons to be thankful, opening yourself to receiving more and more as each day unfolds.

Now that’s the million dollar question…or in today’s economy, trillion dollar.

Next to, “Who am I?”, “What is our purpose?” is the big question.

I remember in my youth, as early as preschool, and a good deal into my adult years, pondering that question. I still ask it every now and then today…but the answer I seek is decidedly different in nature and less urgent these days.

There was an excerpt from Sylvia Plath’s, “The Bell Jar” that struck me to the core when I first read it. Chapter 7 (formatting changed for ease of blog reading):

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.

One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

I was afraid I’d be like that, and in some ways I was. But I did manage to find a way to develop certain skills in specific areas, some through choice, others through necessity, and found a niche for myself despite my indecisions.

I’ve stopped looking at life as it were some big multiple choice test with right and wrong answers, and made friends with my imagination that can dream up of more options that I will ever have enough years to live.

When I was younger, the question of my purpose encompassed not only my place in the universe, but what career choices I should make. But I see now they are only extraneous to the real issue. When you understand the question, then everything else attached to it becomes less important, in and of themselves, because you see they are only in service of something greater.

To me, the answer to the question “Why am I here?” is no longer a cornucopia of choices. There’s only one answer - To love.

Don’t roll your eyes, it’s true.

When I remember this, every encounter becomes an opportunity to find some way to express love. It may be opening one’s heart or closing a door. It may be extending yourself or drawing your boundaries, but everything - everything is an opportunity, a request to love.

This really makes a big difference to me, because instead of becoming frantic over losing time to “get it right”, get the training, make the career moves, locate to the right place, each and every present moment is just where I need to be to live my life’s purpose. I don’t need a degree or a new job to do that.

From that perspective, I can make whatever choices I need to make to affect the shape and form of my reality. Even if the details of my life are not what I want, at the moment, the heart of it can be true to its purpose - my life’s purpose. There is no waste, just a journey where love is expressed through one form or another.

And that’s what will remain after we “retire”…from our jobs or our lives.