Loss of Discernment (part 2)

Written by on February 2, 2012 in The Healing Journey with 4 Comments

Part 2
Part 1 here

If your eyes see that smirk on someone’s face, if you catch those darting glances, if your ears hear the sound of derisive laughter, if every time you approach a group of “friends” you’re confronted by their backs no matter where you stand, if your feet stumble at the hard impact of a body-slam on yet another day, if someone screams at you and then says they’re not angry, if you smell strange perfume on your spouse’s shirt, if you see disinterest filling your loved one’s eyes, if co-workers are suddenly avoiding you, if you feel intimidated or anxiety hangs over you – even when temporarily hidden in those “good moments” – don’t let the denials of other people cause you to ignore all the facts to the contrary.

Because you will be asked to, even demanded to by those who either have reason or are misguided.

But you know when you are being hurt, even when it’s done “sleight of hand”. You feel the sting, bear the pain. It’s not a sign of loyalty or love to ignore it. Be mindful of what you see and what you feel, in your world and in your heart and in your gut.

When you first begin to sense something is wrong, even if you can’t put a finger on it, know that it means you pay closer attention. I know I mentioned it before, and will again, because it’s so important it bears repeating: If you’re not sure what’s going on, but a possible answer fills you with disbelief, it means you look closer.

It doesn’t mean you go to sleep or pretend or stick your head in the sand. If you do, it will cost you. Among those things such as relationships, money and health…it will cost you, you.

After finally leaving a particularly abusive relationship, it took me years to gather up the missing pieces of myself, to reclaim those parts of me that made me me — my creativity, my enthusiasm, my sense of hope, those unique qualities that made up my personality. Somewhere in the confusion of mind games and unhealthy dynamics they were lost.

I’m better now than I have been in many years, but I still find myself rediscovering what I had lost. The good news is that in doing that, I’m not merely reclaiming what I was, I am creating myself anew.

Still, sometimes the weight of disillusionment can press upon me unexpectedly. And sometimes in those moments, I can feel the parts of me inside that are still numb, as if nerves had been damaged where the burns went too deep, as if a spark within has gone out. And I wonder…will I ever get it back?

When you can’t discern what’s going on around you, you can’t discern the price you are paying for it. And this is not a lie. Some people never fully recover. There’s an innocence, a sense of vitality and trust that is never fully restored. I don’t know if that’s me yet. I’ll let you know in ten years.

Don’t let that be you.

Don’t let your muscle of discernment atrophy. Use it even when, especially when, you don’t like what it’s telling you.

No one who truly loves you, no one who calls you their friend is going to hold it against you for questioning something that doesn’t seem right to you. They will be happy to clear up any misconception or address what they may have been doing to inadvertently hurt you.

This isn’t about being paranoid or driving those around you crazy with a constant need for reassurance. A covert abuser can make you feel that that is what you’re doing when you want to discuss legitimate concerns, but that’s just manipulation — throwing dust to distract you from them and turning it to you.

I’ve been accused of being too sensitive, imagining things, remembering things incorrectly, being out to get him, putting him through the wringer, not being able to let go of the past and my favorite, thinking too much. Not because I was being unreasonable or suspicious, a nag or a bitch, or any of the above accusations, but because I got too close for comfort to the truth — their comfort.

What better way to protect yourself than to cripple the one who threatens you? When you lose your ability to discern, you are crippled.

But if you can’t discern, then you must rely on someone else to discern for you. You turn to the very person you should be wary of to let you know if you’re seeing things correctly or not. That’s the danger.

To be lied to is abuse. Don’t turn around and compound the abuse of their denial, with your own. To be cut off from your ability to discern and name your own experiences is to be fragmented.

You can’t navigate through your world effectively fragmented. You need to be wholly present, and you can only do that if all of you is there.

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About the Author

About the Author: Greetings, fellow dreamer, and welcome! I’m Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist. Some of my creative projects are a CD of healing music, “For the Sake of Love” and a children’s book on the interconnectedness of life, “Little Yellow Pear Tomatoes” published by Illumination Arts. Currently, I’m in the process of creating podcasts for my book series on covert abuse. My commitment is to the creative process especially as it relates to the healing journey. Whether I’m singing at a vigil for asylum seekers, memorial for political activists or sitting around a table sharing tea and conversation with friends who just want to talk heart to heart, I am always deeply moved by the human spirit to love and live with authentic beauty. Thank you for being here, for reading my posts and/or listening to my podcast. There’s much to share, much to create and the journey has just begun! Meet you on the path. .

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4 Reader Comments

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  1. The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manip says:

    TY, CB!!

  2. Stacey Blessed Derico says:

    Powerful and True!!!

  3. Sylvia Guest says:

    just read that, wow, especially the paranoid bit

  4. Covert Bullying (Abuse) says:

    Thanks for the kind words, ladies. Encourages me in my writing

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