Conflicted

Written by on April 14, 2012 in The Healing Journey with 0 Comments

Last night my youngest of three cats got out. I didn’t see her sneak past me in the dark as I opened the door into the night. She would not come back in. This morning she is nowhere to be found.

Kiki is a strange kitty. She’s the cat who follows me around the house meowing and purring, but when I bend down to pet her, more often than not she avoids my hand. When you approach her she skirts away, but when I sit at the computer or write at my desk, she’s right there, hopping onto my notebook or into my lap, just purring away. Sometimes I wake up and she’s sleeping by my side. Often in the night I feel her wet nose on my face, the tickle of her whiskers and she’s purring. She also licks your fingers when you try to pet her.

And yet her preference is the other two cats, even the one who despises her. Her attention is mostly on them, and when the other two cats come up to me to be loved, she’s right there, but her attention is on them.

Kiki on a Cheetah Blanket

Kiki and her Inner Self

I see that desire within her to be loved by a person, to be held, to simply be touched. But it seems like there’s something inside her that prevents her from really having that. I sense a wildness in her, a cautiousness, maybe a fear.

I got her as a foster kitty, when she was very young. Maybe two months or three. She wound up staying. I don’t know what her history was before that, but she seemed friendly enough then. It seems that as she gets older there’s a wildness in her that gets stronger, and she becomes more conflicted within herself. It’s strange to see her asking you to pet her and then run off.

I wonder how many of us are like that. Attracted to love, wanting to be part of something or someone. And yet, there’s something within us that stops us short. No matter how often we seek it, even come close to it. When we find Love looking us straight in the eye or Life offering us what we want, we back away. Avoid the gift of an outstretched hand. Scoot away down the hall when we realize what we have worked for or sought after is actually coming our way.

And it’s not a matter of just saying we want something but not really meaning it. No, it’s not that at all. We really do want love, just like Kiki really does want love, to be stroked and held by love…even from a human. She just can’t seem to accept it when it’s offered. She can only receive when she “steals” it, when you’re not looking, when you’re otherwise occupied, then she can quietly jump onto your lap or kiss you when your eyes are closed and your mind is miles away in some dream territory.

I feel so bad for her. I don’t know what happened or what is within her that makes her like this. But I do know I need to look deeper into why I am.

I wonder which part will win. The part that wants to live in that wild place among the trees, or the part that wants to come home.

I’m talking about both of us.

Demian Yumei
blue blutterfly

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, uses spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. She's a long time traveler on the healing journey and has a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .

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