Creating Your Reality Part 2 – Impact

Written by on April 5, 2013 in Conversations on the Healing Journey with 2 Comments

Purple flower
No one can hurt you unless you believe they can.

If that means not letting another person keep you down, because you’re going to take responsibility for choosing the ultimate impact of this experience in your life, then great! That’s incredibly empowering.

But if it means you are responsible for not only the ultimate impact but the initial impact, then that’s not so great. It’s abuse on top of the abuse you’ve already suffered. You not only create them hurting you, you create it hurting!

Narcissistic covert abusers believe this anyway, metaphysics or no metaphysics. You are to blame for “making” them hurt you. Rather than seeing themselves responsible for their behavior, they see you as responsible for it. They do not appreciate nor will tolerate any suggestion they did something wrong by any display of pain or distress. How dare you make them feel guilty? To them, they are being victimized by you twice. First, for “making” them hurt you and second, for trying to make them feel bad about it.

You create your own reality in the hands of a covert abuser takes this a step further. It says not only do you not have the right to show you’ve been hurt, but you don’t even have the right to be hurt, because any affect on you is of your own making even if you did get hurt. You chose to be hurt. You are creating this pain, this response. It has nothing to do with what happened. Your response is entirely of your making because you create your own reality. And if you create your own reality then no one is responsible for the pain you feel but you.

If someone cuts you down with a verbal knife you are responsible for the blood that flows or even whether the blood flows — not the knife or the person holding it.

This is so incredibly convenient for the person who abuses. The idea of you create your own reality does not cause people to absolve themselves of all responsibility. It’s but one of many ideas to misuse in the arsenal of covert abuse. But if you are trying to live by you create your own reality in a metaphysical way, your belief can be twisted by a covert abuser to their advantage at your expense if you are not careful.

I’ve seen sincere people in good faith with the desire to grow spiritually hand their abusers the nails and hammer to hang them on the cross, all the while thinking they were building something else. They hoped by accepting the responsibility of creating everything they might change not only the situation, but the very people involved.

Which, if you think about it is, in its own way, disrespectful. For it not only denies abusers their responsibility for their choices but their ability and right to make any choice by substituting what would be their free will with yours. It’s one thing to draw the line, and another to pull the string.

Denying them this full humanity with all the privileges and responsibilities to free will, and attempting to impose, albeit metaphysically, what you think they should be disrespects the truth of where they may actually be on their own path. It honors no one.

All of which covert abusers are too happy to let you do if it means they can continue behaving in the way they want. They are more than willing to let you take full responsibility for who they are and how they treat you and its affect on you…while they continue to exercise the free will they know they have.

In this way, you become victimized by the assertion that there are no victims, that everything happens for a reason and that reason is you created it.

Look, when it rains you get wet. When someone slaps you with a cruel word or betrays you or lies to you or treats you in any way less than is befitting a human being it hurts. Manipulation hurts. Denying what you experience as a result sets you up for more hurt as it disables you from discerning how to address it.

We all have impact on one another. Our actions, our words, our choices and decisions have impact. Love would not be possible without it. But with positive impact comes the potential for negative impact. And when people choose to exert negative impact that choice for which they are responsible must be acknowledged and given the attention it deserves for your learning process and protection.

Genuine Impact and Feigned Impact.

Impact is a part of this reality, regardless who you believe creates it. However, not all that appears to be impact are. Some are actually manipulations. Feigned or fake impact is when you pretend you’re hurt or go into a rage to distract someone from the real issue. They are subversive attempts at control and/or punishment.

Genuine impact to a negative situation is real, however, it doesn’t necessarily confer fault.

Someone you love does not love you back. We do not consider that a positive experience. It hurts, however, unrequited love is not abuse. There is no fault for not loving you back. Likewise, there is no fault for someone being heartbroken when you don’t love them. You are not required to make someone’s dream come true and they are not required to make you feel more comfortable for saying no.

There is responsibility in how you treat one another — whether there is compassion even if firm while drawing the line, whether there is respect in the unfolding scenes of uncomfortableness and grief, whether space is given to those who need to distance themselves, whether time is given to those who need to heal, whether the tear is smooth or jagged. Both wounds bleed, but one heals faster and cleaner than the other.

The genuine impact of a negative situation to which I am referring to in this post is the real impact of abusive behavior — the genuine pain you feel, the real hurt and wounds  inflicted by such abuse. It is this impact that covert abusers will either demand you repress for their comfort, or use you create your own reality to tell you that it’s a result of your creation, not their actions.

It is this impact that can be swept under the rug or projected onto you with metaphysical excuse and exacerbated further by your feelings of guilt, because you are experiencing this negativity at all. After all, you reason, mimicking the abuser, you’re creating this reality of pain.

You create your own reality is not meant to be the dance floor for this type of manipulation. It is not meant to be used as a tool in the furtherance of abuse. The insidious thing about this is the inference that since you create it, you should stay and fix it…if you don’t like it. The onus is on you.

Don’t let that happen to you.

You create your own reality? Create you saying “Enough!” and walking out the door.

~Demian Yumei

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You Create Your Own Reality Series:
You Create Your Own Reality Part 1: Use and Misuse
You Create Your Own Reality Part 2: Impact
You Create Your Own Reality Part 3: Focus
You Create Your Own Reality Part 4: Illusion



About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, uses spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. She's a long time traveler on the healing journey and has a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .


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  • Where There's Smoke: Covert Bullying and Abuse says:

    Whether you believe in this particular worldview or not, I think it’s a pretty decent study on how an idea can be manipulated into covertly abusing another. Right now I’m addressing this popular belief, but there are other worldviews that can be just as easily used in the arsenal of covert abusers. I don’t pretend to be an expert in this area, but I’ve seen enough examples of them in various faiths and secular ideology that I’ll be addressing them over time.

  • Cherokee Ottesen says:

    Thank you for writing this. It continues to give me insight and help with a supportive perspective.

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