For the Good of the Child: Part 4

Written by on October 17, 2007 in The Healing Journey with 0 Comments

As a continuation of Part 3, tell that child it’s normal to feel what they’re feeling. Define the specific action and give it a name or name the natural emotional response or impact of such treatment.

Some examples:

“When your Dad/Mom calls you names, that’s hurtful and it’s understandable to feel hurt. I don’t blame you.”

“When Mommy makes fun of you and doesn’t stop when you ask her to, that’s wrong.”

“When Daddy dismissed your feelings, you felt angry. That’s normal, because when someone does that it’s disrespectful, and when someone disrespects you, most people will feel angry.”

“It’s normal to feel confused and resent people when they are nice to you in front of others, but treat you unkindly when you’re alone.”

Be the validator. Be the one who listens attentively and treats the child like a human being. Your child will get it.

Discern whether or not it will be productive to talk to the abusive parent or not about the situation. Be careful here. For normal people, they might want to know how their behavior is affecting their child. They may behave inappropriately at times, but they basically care and want to do what is best for the child.

For others, those with serious issues or personality disorders, telling them they are anything than less than perfect can trigger serious backlashes on your child and on you.

You got to know what you’re dealing with and act accordingly.

So it’s not a childhood made in heaven, but with someone in their life – you – giving voice to what bothers them and speaking truthfully about these hurtful dynamics, they can emerge all that much stronger for it.

They will be able to recognize toxic behavior. They will know they have a right to their feelings, that something’s wrong with their abusive parent and not them. They will be able to compare how they are being treated by their abusive parent and nonabusive parent. They will get it.

Most abusive parents don’t realize that the nonabusive parent doesn’t have to bad talk them at all. The abusive parent will alienate their own children, all by themselves. It’s up to the nonabusive parent to be as supportive to their children through this process as they can.

Unless the abuse rises to the level of intervention, most parents will have to contend with whatever situation they are faced with. Just do it with as much integrity as you can.

It’s not your job to protect the image of the other parent. It’s your job to protect your child. Just do it with integrity.

Friday: Part 5 of the Series
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, uses spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. She's a long time traveler on the healing journey and has a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .

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