Indecision and Fear

Written by on November 20, 2007 in Conversations on the Healing Journey with 0 Comments

In my post, Why Am I Here?, this past Sunday, I talked about Sylvia Plath’s writing about indecision, and the fear that surrounded her.

Her words reveal not only the fear over making choices, but about the fear of loss. Every choice wasn’t seen as embracing something as much as relinquishing something else. It’s symptomatic, I think, of a society that gives you the impression that you can…and should have it all.

That’s the first lie I had to give up.

It’s easy to see why I should have believed it. What’s more seductive to believe you can have it all, when society says, as female, you can’t have any of it – other than what’s prescribed in a very narrow band of choices? I realize many of my choices were knee jerk reactions to what I felt was constricting me.

Deciding to be something means deciding not to be everything else not chosen. If that’s what you focus on, every choice is about losing.

But I wonder what our fear of loss is really a blanket for?

There’s more to our inability to make a decision other than being paralyzed by too many choices. Because I’m beginning to see that depth is, also, a matter of choice.

Indecision protects us from diving in deep. In our hesitation to even get our feet wet, we spare ourselves the unknown places of the deeper section of the water. We run back and forth from one body of water to the next contemplating which one we want to swim in, and all the time we are safe on the shore, fooling ourselves into thinking we’re trying to choose, when we’re actually trying to avoid.

Avoid what? Intimacy, for one, either with another person or with ourselves.

It’s the same thing isn’t it? The person who’s afraid to commit to a monogamous relationship or pick a field of interest to develop their skills and talents. It’s all about holding out, because there might be something/someone better.

But the fact is, we don’t want to give in to anything or anyone. It’s not a journey or a race, not even a rat one. It’s a game of dodge ball we play, and indecision is the excuse we use to keep us in that game and out of the very real world of depth with its demand and risk of courage and vulnerability.

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, using spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. Demian is a traveler on the healing journey with a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .


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