Loss of Passion (Hyper-Sexuality)

Written by on March 3, 2012 in Conversations on the Healing Journey with 5 Comments

There is another face to loss of passion. At first glance it appears exactly the opposite, but if they are opposites they are opposite sides of the same coin. Someone on Facebook, reading my previous post on losing one’s passion, pointed out that while exploitation could make one hypo sexual it could also make you hyper sexual.

This was difficult for me to look at, because as an incest victim, identifying myself through sex was ingrained in me from a very early age, even before I could articulate what sex was. It fills me to this day with great pain and no small amount of shame, regardless of how much of the healing journey I have already traveled. I walk gently around it when it sleeps. But these past two weeks, it has awakened with a fury, so I need to address it.

Hyper sexuality is the unnatural weight sex has in your life in making decisions, interpreting the actions of other people, your perception of them and yourself as a person. It can look like multiple partners, but it can also look like serial monogamy. It can look like risky behavior — choosing dangerous places and potentially dangerous strangers, but it can also look like your own home and your significant other.

Whether in a dangerous place or in familiar surroundings, whether with yet another stranger or someone you love, if sex makes decisions for you, confers meaning on things for you, judges the value or worth or veracity of anything for you, if sex lives you then that’s hyper sexuality — because sex is too present in places it should not be. It is where it does not belong. Sex takes over decision making and other faculties that you should be in control. That may translate into quantity of partners or exoticism of places, but it doesn’t have to.

When sex is in balance, it is a vibrant and beautiful part of who you are through which you can choose to express your emotions, your joy, your pleasure, you sense of fun and love. But when sex is imbalanced, it usurps your role as decider and definer. Hyper sexuality kills the real passion you have a right to.

Real passion is your passion. It honors you, uplifts and respects you. It increases your sense of self-worth and is creative. Hyper sexuality degrades you, diminishes and disrespects you. It lowers your sense of self worth and is destructive. Despite momentary pleasure, it fills you with shame.

Real passion empowers you. Hyper sexuality enslaves you.

Real passion is joyous. Hyper sexuality is desperate.

Real passion is secure in its self and its relationships, knowing that if things don’t work out, it might be a reflection of choices, preferences, compatibility or any number of things but not your value as a human being. Hyper sexuality is afraid, believing that if things don’t work out the fears you have about yourself might be right…or not daring to believe in anything in the first place, it doesn’t matter.

Real passion embraces the moment and respects the future. Hyper sexuality is compulsive and fearing the future, ignores its consequences.

Real passion is secure and empowered. Hyper sexuality is fearful and controlled by its own desperation.

Real passion is truthful. It knows itself and celebrates itself for what it is. It does not hijack the identities of other qualities as its own.

Hyper sexuality deceives itself. It perceives intensity as depth and usury as caring. It usurps the meaning of integrity and trustworthiness, transplanting them within the mere existence of itself.

Real passion can be a conduit for love, but never mistakes itself for love.

Hyper sexuality sees itself as love. Sex comes to equate or stand in for all the qualities that make up love. It becomes proof of the existence of love even when all evidence points to its absence.

Real passion opens avenues to the depth of your feeling. It intensifies the colors in your world, drawing you ever closer to the present moment and creating deeper connections to those around you and your world.

Hyper sexuality keeps you walking on the sharp stones of a shallow stream, and calls the pain you feel depth of feeling. It does not see the truth of what’s there, but reinterprets everything to create a storyline involving predestination, soul mates or free spirit to justify its existence. It creates distance between you and those around you, because you cannot see them.

Real passion celebrates your worth.

Hyper sexuality attempts to cover the underlying fear of your lack of worth.

Hyper sexuality is sometimes referred to as sexual addiction. And while there is a strong component of compulsiveness, and its effects and impact are very much like addiction, I don’t think that term adequately conveys the full spectrum of what it is. Nor is it helpful in identifying these dynamics if you don’t exhibit the commonly held characteristics of sexual addiction.

I don’t even like the term hyper sexuality, because I don’t think it really conveys an accurate picture either. But it’s all I got right now. If anyone can think of a better term, please let me know!

All of the things real passion is, covert abuse will attack as it attacks you. Covert abuse seeks to knock you off balance. And it’s good at it. A lot of times, you don’t see it happening until you’re already paying a price for it.

Covert abusers will take that vulnerable side of every person desiring to be loved, and exploit it. When the human spirit is diminished it rebels. Sometimes that rebellion may take the form of hyper sexuality. Other times it shuts down, losing its connection to sexuality altogether.

Both carry shame. Both are losses of passion, real passion.

But perhaps it’s not a loss as much as a “putting away”, a putting away that, when the moment is right, can be found, tucked away wrapped in soft cloth in a chest under our bed, or planted in a secret place in the corner of our garden germinating, waiting for the moment to break through and rise above the earth again.

I don’t know. But I like to believe so.

* * * * * * * *


  • What does passion mean to you?
  • Does your sexual self reflect who you are?
  • To what degree does your sexual life celebrate who you are?
  • To what amount does shame revolve around your sexual life?
  • In your life, do you choose sex or does sex do the choosing for you?
  • Does having sex with your partner reassure you that everything is all right? That they love you? Is any of that supported or evidenced in other areas of your relationship?
  • What does it look like to you to be empowered? How would that translate sexually for you?

Loss of Passion Series:
Loss of Passion 1 – Sexual (Hypo-Sexuality)
Loss of Passion 2 – Sexual (Hyper-Sexuality)

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, using spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. Demian is a traveler on the healing journey with a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .


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  • Mags says:

    Great article Demian…can identify with part 1 & 2

  • DemianYumei says:

    Thank you, Mags. Appreciate it! Part 2 was harder for  me to write, but I learned from both dynamics in my life. I don’t believe it’s an exclusive either/or situation. Maybe that’s why covert abuse and it’s effects can be hard to recognize…they shape shift.

  • Empathy 2012: wake up - change yourself - change t says:

    I really appreciate your openness and honesty in this post and can understand why it was hard for you to write. Thank you so much for sharing

  • Covert Bullying (Abuse) says:

    Thank you, Empathy. Your support means a lot.

  • The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manip says:

    ((( CB )))) Excellent article and painfully real. It has triggered so many things for me that need healing. I appreciate your writing gift and all that you do for us.

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