Old Patterns

Written by on March 10, 2007 in Conversations on the Healing Journey with 0 Comments

Sometimes I feel like a turtle. I come to a realization, like the one in October, make a decision…and then draw my head back into my shell and stay in the same spot. Then some time goes by, in this case, almost five months, and I emerge from my shell again, only to discover that I haven’t gone anywhere.

It’s easy to get discouraged. Sometimes I wonder why I journal, when each little notebook dated years ago show me how many times I’ve made commitments only to forget them, and then to make them as if they were new insights again later down the line. And I wonder, do I ever learn anything?

But eventually, something does click, something does sink in, and begins to take root. Perhaps, each realizing and forgetting is like the steady downstroke and upstroke up a hoe, cultivating the field, turning the soil for the planting of seeds that will, in their time, grow into something.

Okay, so *now* I think I will post a little more often here, because I really need to. This week I thought I might lose someone very dear to me to a stroke. He’s going through a cancer challenge right now, as well. To say this hasn’t reopened some doors concerning my sister’s death would be a lie.

But it’s, also, made me realize other things…like how I keep postponing or putting my life on hold. Well, that’s not entirely correct. Everything I do is my life, but I am realizing how often I put those things that are a priority to me on hold – at least until tomorrow, and there always seems to be a lot of tomorrows – that truly are important to me, answering other demands. Whether they are important, also, is not the point.

They can both be important, and they often are, but I have a tendency to compromise even those things that I am responsible for to meet the needs of another. Even still, I can say I would not have done anything differently this week. I’m merely observing a pattern, not questioning my decisions for this week.

I, also, see another pattern. And that is the pattern of being an outsider, of belonging, but not really belonging. That feeling of not being legitimate, of being a part of, but not really being a part of. To sort of hang in limbo in relationships, without real status or an inadequate one. This means being called to act “as if” and also to not be treated “as”. Because there is no definable role, you can cross boundaries or be stopped in your tracks with the attitude that it is not your place or scolded by the expectation that it should be.

It is a prime set up for utter frustration. I know I do not wish to continue like this. I know I am determined to change.

Old patterns. New decisions. I wonder how long I will retreat into my shell and remain there this time?

Or if this will the moment I plant my seed and watch it grow.

About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, using spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. Demian is a traveler on the healing journey with a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .


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