When writing and digging are synonymous…

Written by on January 10, 2013 in The Healing Journey with 9 Comments

Aside from the fact that I procrastinate, have to wrestle with the blank page monster (or blank wordpress text box) from time to time, and have a number of other responsibilities that compete for my time, the reason my posts are spread apart from each other in the way they are is because every post is a result of some level of processing for me.

I think I’m going to just write about a topic, but while it may start there, it rarely stays there. I can’t write anything about covert abuse or manipulation without reaching in some way into my own experience. And when I do that, I risk falling into the emotional turmoil that awaits me.

Coming from a long line of dysfunctional relationships, my family of origin is usually where I start in perusing the vast wealth of toxic behavior. Within the resources of my past can be found a lot of unfinished business and wounds, some left to fester in their abandonment. Abandoned that is, until I come digging, not with shovel but with pen, digging deep enough to unearth, deep enough to awaken and once in the light of awareness…well, watch out!

It would be tempting to just leave things alone. I think about that periodically — Just move on. But I know wherever I go, I take me…and all the unfinished business whether I acknowledge them or not. It ain’t going away until I release it, and I can’t release it if I refuse it.

Plus, I like the thought of redeeming my experiences. I know I have the skill to take apart, analyze, and then articulate what I’ve found so that others may recognize what may be difficult to see — especially when you’re right in the middle of it. When I do that, it just feels right. It’s with that intent that I begin the analytical process.

But it’s not such a clear cut process…or clean. In order to look closer I have to dig stuff up, and as I do so emotions are triggered, sometimes lots of them…intense and messy.

And so I write and I feel and I cry and anger and resentment surface. Sometimes I get sick, physically. Most times I become fatigued, and a vague cloud of toxic energy, even as I release it, can seep into a wider area of my life.

Writing is like a detoxification. It’s good. It’s necessary, but too much without giving yourself time and space to let it flush out of your emotional body and psyche, can have an adverse affect on you. The trick is to keep moving.

In the process, my writing can disintegrate into something whining and hateful, filled with self-pitying rage and barely veiled animosity. I certainly can’t publish that!

But as I write, as I process, as I let go, the stream of thoughts become clearer, cleaner like a stream of water coming forth from a pipe long clogged. Once the gunk is out, it starts to get good. The unvoiced anger that first comes out as a scream, discovers it doesn’t need to scream anymore. And the part of me that’s been silent and repressed begins to find its own natural voice.

And that’s when I start to write something that’s worthy of print, that deserves to be shared, that perhaps, even needs to be heard by others.

But it takes a lot for me to get there. Anything you read, has been written, and rewritten, cast aside, picked up and revised some more…over and over again, until I can become clearer and write words that carry more truth than agendas.

I owe you nothing less…nor myself.

So if there are long stretches in between my writings, it’s because I’m either digging and processing…or recovering. Or maybe I’m just stepping outside for a spell to give myself a breather, to enjoy other aspects of life, to let myself experience a bit of nontoxic reality, because I deserve it.

Knowing to lay boundaries, knowing when to say enough — not only with others, but yourself, I think is a part of healing. You don’t have to do everything at once. Let yourself live a little bit of life. Let yourself have some happiness without constantly processing or letting what had been done to you or what you were once a part of define every waking moment.

There’s plenty of time to go through the dirt to dig up the treasures of your experience. But what’s the use of finding gold when you don’t allow yourself to enjoy it?

Don’t wait until you’ve got everything figured out, or have met all your goals or finally got “it” whatever “it” is. I love this blog, the challenge of writing it, the ideas exchanged here, but life is more than this blog, and you are more than your processing.

Step outside every now and then. You might be surprised to find how blue the sky is.

~Demian Yumei

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, uses spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. She's a long time traveler on the healing journey and has a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .

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  • The Ability To Love-Recovery From Psychopathic Abu says:

    Great article, Demian! I’ve been writing a flurry of posts the last few days, to a week or so. Lost of insights coming up for me, but after I read your article and after my last post today, I had something very painful come up for me. It still hurts. I need to take the time to process it. I shared it on my blog. Writing has brought up things I wasn’t willing to look at, and survivors have shared things with me that have brought pain from my past. Things that I have not dealt with until now.
    So I’m going to take a couple of days off. Off the computer completely and rest. Spend some time with my grandchildren. And cry some too
    Thanks for your post.

  • Demian Yumei says:

    May the tears fall gently and wash over your heart with tender healing. Taking time off sounds like a wise decision. Enjoy your grandchildren! Mine have lifted me without even trying when nothing else could 🙂

  • The Ability To Love-Recovery From Psychopathic Abu says:

    Demian, do you remember me? Kelli? Page use to be Path To Peace? I’d forgotten that you may not know my blog/page name. I have three grandchildren now. All joy. A lupus flare approaching and much needed rest time. How is your dog? It’s been so long, she was very sick, had a surgery, but was on the mend? I hope everything is healthier and happier for you.

  • The Ability To Love-Recovery From Psychopathic Abu says:

    Great article, Demian! I’ve been writing a flurry of posts the last few days, to a week or so. Lost of insights coming up for me, but after I read your article and after my last post today, I had something very painful come up for me. It still hurts. I need to take the time to process it. I shared it on my blog. Writing has brought up things I wasn’t willing to look at, and survivors have shared things with me that have brought pain from my past. Things that I have not dealt with until now.
    So I’m going to take a couple of days off. Off the computer completely and rest. Spend some time with my grandchildren. And cry some too
    Thanks for your post.

  • Demian Yumei says:

    May the tears fall gently and wash over your heart with tender healing. Taking time off sounds like a wise decision. Enjoy your grandchildren! Mine have lifted me without even trying when nothing else could 🙂

  • The Ability To Love-Recovery From Psychopathic Abu says:

    Demian, do you remember me? Kelli? Page use to be Path To Peace? I’d forgotten that you may not know my blog/page name. I have three grandchildren now. All joy. A lupus flare approaching and much needed rest time. How is your dog? It’s been so long, she was very sick, had a surgery, but was on the mend? I hope everything is healthier and happier for you.

  • Dear Demian, this is a lovely post and the timing, for me, couldn’t be better.  Blogging, for people who feel powerless in real life, can be used as a way to vent, let off steam, explore, just about anything you can think of. Everyone needs to be able to express their feelings, even their anger.  But as long as people stay stuck in the rage-stage of their writing, as long as their only aim in writing is to tell someone off, or try to hurt them, or to try to bully them, writing and blogging will never lead them to better ways to use their intelligence.  I think its a great reminder, never create a post solely to “take someone down.”  It’s really bad karma.  Thanks for writing, I always learn from you.  Caliban’s Sister

    • DemianYumei says:

      Hi Caliban’s Sister, thank you for your very thoughtful comment and kind words. It’s easy, I think, to lose one’s balance when writing about this subject, especially when you’re trying to share your experiences to help another. Very easy to lose sight of what your intention is or to get swept away with the emotions. Sharing is so important though…as I know that I owe my sanity and the ability to finally escape due to the insights and sharing of so many others. You just have to find the right balance for you…to allow yourself to walk away when you need to or to take a break.To give yourself some perspective and reassess the direction you are traveling on your healing journey…how much of it is actually healing.
       
      Take care of yourself and your gentle heart.  And always, it’s good to hear from you. 🙂

  • Demian Yumei says:

    Oh, yes, Kelli, I do remember you! So happy for you and your grandchildren. Sorry to hear about your lupus, but I’m happy you are taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do. Please, do rest as long as you need, and let yourself be nurtured by this time that you give to yourself.
    And thanks for asking about my dog! She is MUCH better, certainly a lot happier! And so am I. I’m trying to take good care of myself…but it’s hard. So much on my plate. Still, I’m determined and right now I seem to be doing well.
    Take care, and good to hear from you. 🙂

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