You Create Your Reality – Part 3 Focus

Written by on July 1, 2013 in Conversations on the Healing Journey with 0 Comments
Purple flower

photo by Doug Wheller


Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

Covert abuse depends on not being seen for what it is. In the hands of a covert abuser the teaching of focusing only on the positive as a way of creating becomes a tool for manipulating.

Covert abusers accuse their targets of harping, bitching, rehashing old issues, being negative and bringing up the past (even though it is they who keep repeating it). They do this whenever you attempt to hold them accountable or wish to discuss something they’d rather avoid.

There is wisdom in choosing to focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. But not dwelling on something is not the same as not acknowledging it when it’s there.

Using the belief on the creating power of focus, covert abusers will make you responsible for anything negative that arises by the very act of you addressing it. It becomes an instrument of censorship, silencing you from objecting, from sharing your concerns or expressing your feelings.

I believe in seeing the good in others. I, also, believe in respecting others enough to acknowledge the choices they make, including those that are not made from their highest or even mediocre good. Addressing negative dynamics is not focusing on negativity. It’s the beginning process of healing.

Sometimes in attempting to not focus on something, we inadvertently wind up focusing on it more.

When you try to not focus on something, rather than actually releasing it through healthy means, you expend a great deal of energy keeping it out of view. Focusing only on what you want instead of addressing what’s actually there, particularly in the midst of an abusive relationship, involves a great deal of repressing and no small amount of rationalizing.

You can’t expend that much energy on denying something or avoiding the sight of it unless you know it’s there to be denied or avoided in the first place. If it’s in the back of your mind, it’s still in your mind, and a part of your mind is totally focused on keeping it out of sight…24/7.

This has ramification on creating your reality if you believe in that concept as a metaphysical construct. Regardless, it will have ramifications on your overall energy level and health.

To the covert abuser, what matters most isn’t what kind of reality you create, but whether they get the results they desire, and that would be to get you off their back and away from assessing their behaviors and impact. If they can use “Don’t focus on the negative” to get you to do that, they will. And if they can use that concept to make you feel guilty, they will do that as well. Censorship and blame is a most effective double edged sword.

In the spirit of addressing guilt for the manifestation of negative situations, let me say my personal and observed experiences have taught me that you don’t have to focus on tragedy or negativity for it to find you. The fact is you can get hurt even when you never, in a million years, thought you could or believed you would. This is a world where, through free will, we have impact on one another and sometimes that impact goes flying off in different directions and sometimes you get caught in someone else’s shit. Sometimes nature moves in ways that catches us off guard…sometimes people do.

In this world in which we exist, not one person, no matter how spiritual, can stand in the rain and not get wet. Doesn’t matter if you decide not to focus on the raindrops, you’re going to get wet. You don’t have to be standing in rain gear in anticipation or even believe in clouds. If you’re under that cloud, even oblivious to it or not able to comprehend that such a thing as a cloud exists, when it bursts you are going to get wet. We can’t control everything.

What is within your power is to choose what being in the rain means to you and how it will affect you. You can decide if you will take it personally — it’s raining just to get you wet. You can decide to let it entitle you to take out your displeasure on others. Or you can choose to realize that there’s nothing personal about rainfall, but maybe you can make better decisions regarding it in the future. You can choose to stay out of the rain when you see signs of it coming or get out of the rain when it falls or grab an umbrella or break into song and dance in it.

But if it rains, it rains. If you get wet, it doesn’t reflect a damn thing about your spiritual nature.

However, if a person chooses to rain down verbal assaults on you they are responsible for their assaults. It, also, means you have a right to address it and are not committing some kind of spiritual sabotage when you do.

The belief of you create your own reality and its teaching about the power of focus is not a free-from-all-responsibility card for the actions of others. Don’t let someone use it to hold you hostage to their behavior. You did not create your abuser saying mean things to you, because you were thinking negative thoughts the other day. You did not create them losing their temper or flying off into a blind rage or cheating on you or lying to you or treating you less than a human beingAnd you are not creating more negative situations in the future because you want to address this negative situation now.

The bottom line is covert abusers who use this aspect of you create your own reality, really use the issue of focus to get you to turn your focus off them and their actions, onto yourself. They could care less if you focus on the positive. They just don’t want you to focus on them with seeing eyes, because they don’t want to get caught playing their games. 

Absolutely, focus on the positive, but if it’s there, look at the negative. Acknowledge it, and then let your focus be on creating a better reality for yourself with eyes wide open.

~Demian Yumei

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You Create Your Own Reality Series:
You Create Your Own Reality Part 1: Use and Misuse
You Create Your Own Reality Part 2: Impact
You Create Your Own Reality Part 3: Focus
You Create Your Own Reality Part 4: Illusion

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About the Author

About the Author: Demian Yumei, author, singer/songwriter and artist activist, uses spoken, written word and original songs in her human rights activism. She's a long time traveler on the healing journey and has a lifelong love affair with the creative process. .


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