Last Tuesday my baby granddaughter came into the world. Today my youngest daughter turned 19. One is beginning her life. The other is continuing hers by taking a turn on a path that honors who she is as a person and artist.
I hold my grandbaby in my arms and I think of new beginnings. I see my daughter just starting out on her wonderful adventure as a young adult. I look at my life.
Whose eyes would I be willing to no longer fall into?
Easy to be nostalgic. Even easier to pass judgement with today’s vision on yesterday’s fog. I stop myself just short of saying If I knew then... and just as quickly ask, And what? What if you did?
What change would I be willing for now as a result of changing back then? What would I be okay giving up? Who would I give up?
Whose eyes would I be willing to no longer fall into? Whose voice would I be willing to mute? Whose remember when’s would I be willing to erase? Whose touch, whose tiny fingers, the warm milk breath of baby yawn, the loud spontaneous laughter that can only escape from a teenager cracking herself up, am I willing to do without?
…grateful for the grace that blesses me… even for all my foolishiness
No one’s.
Let me pay whatever price I had to pay for whatever stupid thing I did or outrageous decision I made and feel grateful for the blessings that grace me today even for all my foolishness. The greatest mistake I could ever make is to not allow myself to receive them.
There’s no round trip ticket in life. No going back. No do-overs. No reruns, even if it feels like it — Am I really back here again??
But even that’s different.
We do learn and we are impacted by our experiences. The affect can make us want to look the other way, but it’s harder and requires more from us. Even when we seem to stand still, we’re actually digging our heels in deeper and deeper, moving downward so much so that it’s as if we’re digging our own graves. We work harder to not know. Expend more effort to deny the magnificence of our own spirit that tells us we deserve more.
Maybe it’s time to toss a few of my regrets off the side of this one-way ride. Maybe I should open my eyes and see in the birth of my grandbaby and the celebration of my daughter’s 19th, my own new beginning, my own chosen turn on a path, honoring — in this moment — who I am as a person and artist.
Demian Yumei
~ Keeping the Dream
